Emotions
Emotions

Our emotions can rule over us or we can manage them. In this series of blog posts we openly talk about emotions, attempt to put them into perspective and show you that your emotions are real and no one can tell you not to feel them. They belong to you. Emotions are an intrinsic part of you. You are in FULL control of your emotions.

Emotions

Our emotions can rule over us or we can manage them. In this series of blog posts we openly talk about emotions, attempt to put them into perspective and show you that your emotions are real and no one can tell you not to feel them. They belong to you. Emotions are an intrinsic part of you. You are in FULL control of your emotions.

Emotions Handling Life
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Death :  End or Beginning?

In the last week of January, Rose’s mother passed into glory, my father-in-law passed away, and Sue’s Dad went to be with the Lord.  And, a dear friend of ours passed suddenly and unexpectedly. A great understanding of death has occurred.  Our version of what death is, is attributed to our perception of what life is.  If you hold the belief of life after death, if you believe you are a spirit in a body, and that the spirit is connected to God eternally, death loses it sting.  Death is not the end. It is the spirit’s return from where it came.  It is the circle completed.  

If one does not have a belief beyond the life of the body, there is nothing else.  Death of a loved one can be such an empty, lonely, pit of despair.  I am witnessing how when one has no belief in the afterlife, in heaven, or in God, how painful the death of a beloved can be.

Faith soothes the hurt.  Yes, of course, we are sad that our loved ones have gone from the earth. Yes, we will miss them.  The comfort of knowing that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, is exactly that, comfort.  This is what I hold onto in times of grief. It strengthens me when I am weak.

Let’s be clear, I still experience all the emotions.  Anger certainly reared its head over the past few weeks.   The song lyrics,” Get your house in order for the coming of the Lord”, keep repeating in my head. Sadness, compassion and empathy have also visited. Joy too, as we remembered the fun that was shared over the years.

There is a responsibility that each of us has to the ones remaining on earth after our passing.

First, I believe it is important that the people you love, know you love them.  Speak IT.  Tell them.

While you are alive. Don’t wait. Why make someone wait for something so important to their mental and emotion wellbeing?  It benefits us all to know that we are loved and lovable.  Three simple words “I love you” while looking in their eyes, make a world of difference to the one receiving and increases the love in the one giving.

Speak clearly to your loved ones. Let them know how important they are to your life. Let them know you are proud of them.  Write a note if you cannot speak the words.  You show love through actions.  That means, follow through with your words.  My father-in-law would bring home made food to us often. That was his love language. He wanted us to sit , eat and have a drink with him, to enjoy life.

Do the work so your financial affairs are set up properly and accurately.  The frustration, stress, and time required to chase down essential forms, and sort through a mess of paperwork is an unnecessary burden for those left grieving.   Wills, Power of Attorney, both for Property and Personal Care are essential legal documents.  Make sure they are current and up to date. and the people who are appointed can perform all the duties the job of Estate Executor requires.

Have your bank accounts, investment accounts, and debts and assets in a file, easily accessible.  When I was a Life Insurance and Financial Advisor, CLU., I would give clients a thick binder with plastic insert pages which would hold their policies and important documents.  It made the transition process streamline for the family.  All vital documents in one place.

There are a great number of government forms to be completed upon death.  The funeral home director or consultant does help with Canadian Pension death benefit, and some other government forms. A lawyer will help to advise on the execution of the Will.  The executor does the work to find the assets, liabilities, properties, get assessments of valuables, and so on. 

A good life insurance agent will assist you in completing policy claims forms and following up with the carrier.   Remember to look for other death benefits, pension death benefits, some credit cards have life insurance portions on them. If death was a result of a car accident, car insurance claims forms need to be completed.   

The final income taxes must be filed.  The estate may be subject to probate which is another tax. It can take a year or more before an estate is probated and able to be dispersed.   

The stress of deadlines to submit claims, forms and taxes, penalties for late submission, and bank tellers who are uncooperative simply add more grief to a person who just wants to remember their Dad, Mom, or beloved. In all of this lots of emotion may surface; some may surprise you.

There are many and varied rituals around death.  These come from our beliefs, our culture, and the accepted practice in your community.  A funeral mass, prayer service, visitation at the funeral home, a wake, a Celebration of Life are for the family and friends as much as for the deceased. Some Indigenous tribes in Canada offer tobacco or other plant medicines to ease the transfer to the spirit world.  In the Hindu culture the spirit is reborn on earth.  Filipino and Chinese and Jamaican customs hold the 9th day ceremony when the spirit goes to into the spirit world. In Mexico death is so integrated with life, many festivals revolve around the ancestors who have gone before into the afterlife.  There are so many traditions and rituals I cannot name them all here.  The line that connects us is that the Spirit is acknowledged, honoured and celebrated.   Today many people are choosing their own method of acknowledging a life and grieving a loss of life.

My friend, Robin’s Celebration of Life was the most loving, joyful, kind, peaceful and inspiring event I have attended, ever.   Robin touched so many lives with his loving kindness, and spirit of joy, and humour.  Robin was a healer who lived to inspire us to be our best, most humble selves.  Friends and relations at his Celebration, sang songs written for him and his young daughter, they played guitars, read poems, shared stories, and yes, we danced, as Robin loved to dance.  We even had a laughing Budda yoga moment.  Yes, there were a few tears, tears are healing too. We hugged one another and felt the love that was very present in that room.  I believed we all left feeling connected to each other and inspired to do more good works with our time here on earth.   Thank you to Robin’s family for giving us this opportunity. It, like Robin, made an impact on our lives.

In the weeks and months that follow the death of a loved one, it is important to be aware of your own well being.  Forgive the mistakes, yours and theirs. Don’t harbour bitterness, it hurts you on a cellular level. It takes time to do this kind of healing. Grief wears many faces. Be conscious of what you are feeling. Acknowledge it.  This past week an immense fatigue has come upon my husband and I. Rose too is exhausted as she has been balancing her Mom’s illness, and her own responsibilities.  We have been dealing with hospitals, caring for the other family members, managing all the necessary pieces required to keep the physical, emotional and financial wheels on the cart for everyone.  This juggling has been going on for a long time.  We are tired.  We are not sure what the future will hold but I do believe through it all God holds us.

Vati, we love you and will miss you.  Mom, Rose knows you are with God, she is grateful for all you taught her.  Sue, you know how your Daddy shaped so many lives with his life’s mission, yours included. Robin we will remember you in the dance.

  Love heals all.   God is love and anyone who lives in love lives in God, and God lives in him.  1 John 16

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YOU’VE GOT THE POWER

Believe it or not, you have power. For those of us who have experienced traumatic events we may believe we have no power, no choices, no say. I grew up in an era when women had very little power. Our roles were defined by the men in our lives, dads, bosses or husbands. I was told and shown that my thoughts did not matter. I was to do what my husband said, even if it meant it was dangerous, harmful, painful, or just plain wrong. When it did become dangerous and painful, I was told by other men to go back to my husband, the person who inflicted the pain and almost killed me. I honestly believed I had no power. I was smart enough, however, to not go back.

Some of us gave our power away because we believed life would be simpler if we did. Life would be less chaotic, less painful. In hindsight the opposite was true. When a woman gives away her power it leads to many circumstances that seriously damage her life.

At Wounded Women Rising, the identity crisis a woman experiences after trauma is eliminated as her body heals, her emotions calmed and her mind released so she confidently knows who she is and what she wants. This confidence is your personal POWER. Think of it as—your SUPERPOWER. Regaining a sense of power and control after trauma significantly boosts self-confidence. As you become more empowered, you are better equipped to make choices that align with your values and desires, ultimately increasing your self-esteem.

Personal power equips you with the ability to advocate for yourself. This is particularly important when it comes to seeking help, setting boundaries, and making decisions about your own healing journey. Trauma often leads to an identity crisis, where a woman loses a sense of who she is. Addressing power can help a woman rediscover her identity and develop a more authentic self, free from the constraints of the trauma. And isn’t that one of our definitive goals, to be free from the constraints of the trauma?

Dr. Gabor Maté offers insight on trauma. He says, “Trauma is not the bad things that happened to you; trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.” Trauma is a deeply impactful experience that affects the lives of women on multiple levels, including emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Dr. Gabor Maté’s quotes emphasize the idea that trauma is not just about the external events but also the internal responses and effects it has on an individual’s well-being. Trauma leaves us with intense and overwhelming emotions. Flashbacks and intrusive memories often invade our lives. Some women feel disconnected from their bodies, thoughts and emotions, which is a protective response to the trauma.

The stress response of a traumatized woman can manifest itself as physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomach-aches, muscle tension, and even chronic pain. Prolonged release of the stress hormone cortisol has long term adverse effects on the human body. Mental health challenges arise from traumatic experiences such as anxiety and depression and even suicide or thoughts of suicide. The erosion of trust  of yourself, and others, can destruct a woman’s relationships. This can lead to isolation which further erodes mental health.

Dr. Gabor Maté’s work emphasizes the importance of compassion, self-awareness, and self-discovery in the healing journey. Women can find empowerment and a renewed sense of self through the healing stages as they work through the impacts of trauma and move toward greater well-being.

Self-awareness allows the individual woman to explore and understand what is happening inside her, helping her regain power over her thoughts, emotions, and responses to trauma. Self-awareness is a crucial tool on the path to healing and empowerment. Self-awareness put you in touch with your personal power.

Self-discovery takes courage. A woman must be willing to look at herself and see who she is – who she really is. Self-discovery means ceasing to allow others to define her. Self-discovery is a deeply personal and individual process. Delving into the journey of discovery a woman gains a deep understanding of her beliefs, values, strengths, weaknesses, desires, and identity. It involves introspection, reflection, and exploration of thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

At Wounded Women Rising we walk with you on the journey of self-awareness and self-discovery through community, retreats, blog post education, workshops, healing events, interactive talks, podcasts (coming soon) and online support groups (coming soon). We walk with you because we too have experienced and are on the healing journey from trauma. We know you can regain your power. You can take control of your life and love yourself. We have seen firsthand the remarkable recoveries of women who had the courage to look within to find their power and use power in their life, every day.

So far, we know what to do, but how do you do that? How do you develop self-awareness? First you must be willing to become aware of your responses to what is happening in you and through you. This means taking some time to think about past events and how you responded during the event and after the event.

For instance, my wasband believed that an evil spirit possessed me. He believed that if the evil spirit that had invaded me was eliminated, he could go back to a perfect life. He took it upon himself to exorcise that beast from me. This was no where near as elaborate as the depiction in The Exorcist. He grabbed me by the shoulders and started praying. I had no idea what was going on at first. In a very short amount of time, he was digging his fingers into my shoulders and shaking me. I got scared and then I got mad. I broke free from his grip using a move I learned during a self defense class. Lord only knows how I remembered that move at that time. I left the house within minutes shaking and in disbelief. I checked into a hotel and sat with this event during the next 24 hours. I became aware of the events and how I responded to them, but not just physically but more importantly emotionally. I cycled through emotions such as guilt (because I left and did not “work through the conflict”), and anger (there was a lot of anger).

I thought I was going crazy. How could this man who said he loved me believe I was possessed by an evil spirit? Could he possibly be right? My abused woman psyche was to take the blame on myself. Absurd, yes, but so predictable. As I sat with the emotions and the event, I realized I had no reason to feel guilty. I realized I had good reason to be angry. I realized that I could no longer trust my wasband to protect me, care for me or even care about me. This was one event in a series of many before I valued myself over the marriage. Sitting with the facts and the emotions and working my way through them I gained power. I gained personal power, and self-confidence. I did what was right for me in the best way I knew how.

There are many circumstances and events to think about. You do not have to rehash everything. There are events that were pivotal to you deciding that you are valuable. These are the ones you want to sit with. Become aware of the emotions. Allow them. Do not judge them. Allow them. They are yours and you felt them for a reason. There is message in there for you to discover. Discovering the message will give you power. Your heart knows. Your spirit knows. Your soul knows. It is time for your mind to know. Your power is in you, within you. Your power may be hidden but it is there. This is your period of discovery. This is the place where you gain a deep understanding of your beliefs, your values, your strengths, your weaknesses, your desires, and your identity.

You are able to wake up to the moment. The past cannot hurt you. The thoughts and the emotions you give the past can continue to hurt you, but not the event. The future does not need to be feared. The future can be whatever you want it to be.

Live in the moment. Become aware of your thoughts and feelings in this moment, in this day, at this time. What triggers your emotions? What is going on that makes you anxious? What is it that is scaring you? Become aware.

Do not push anything away. Do not stuff the emotions down. Do not get busy so you do not have to think about it. Respect yourself enough to take a few minutes.  Try to get some place alone so you can think. This process does not have to take hours. This process is usually minutes. Think. Answer the questions that rise up in your mind. Do not judge the questions or the answers. Your truth bubbles up in your awareness.

Once you develop awareness the process of acknowledging your emotions becomes easier and easier. Do not worry if you do not get answers right away. You have entered this information into your subconscious. Permit your subconscious to work it through. The answer on how to proceed or adjust or to let it go will be given to you. Learn to trust that you have the answers within you. You already possess the power to get the answers. Adopt the belief that you possess the power. Say it over and over and over again until it becomes part of your DNA. This IS your truth. You are confident. You are powerful. You are a beautiful woman ready to stand on her own and believe in her value and in her worth.

You have the power!

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EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Emotional intelligence, often abbreviated as EQ (Emotional Quotient), refers to the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and effectively use your own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It plays a crucial role in personal and interpersonal success, and it’s particularly relevant in the context of personal development. Emotional intelligence is vital for building strong relationships, communicating effectively, managing emotions, and making sound decisions. In the context of personal development, developing emotional intelligence can lead to greater self-awareness and self-regulation, helping you to make positive changes in your life.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) can have a profound impact on your relationships. It plays a pivotal role in how you interact, communicate, and build meaningful connections. Emotional intelligence is a powerful tool. Emotional intelligence is a skill that can be developed and improved upon over time through self-awareness, practice, and a genuine commitment to understanding and connecting with others on a deeper emotional level.

All the subjects we have been covering this past year are all part of emotional intelligence. Increasing your emotional intelligence is an ongoing process. It requires patience and self-compassion. Raising your EQ does not need to be an arduous task. Each time you choose to develop an aspect of your personality you are also increasing your EQ. As we actively heal from the traumas of our life our emotional intelligence will ultimately increase. You can choose to increase your EQ or you can choose to do nothing and stay exactly where you are.

I would like to share some practical steps to help you enhance your emotional intelligence:

Take time for introspection. Reflect on your emotions, their triggers, and how they influence your thoughts and actions. Write your reflections in a journal to track your emotions and experiences. Writing about your feelings can deepen your understanding of them. This practice also gets the “stinking thinking” out of your head circling around and around.

Ask for honest feedback from trusted friends, family, or colleagues about how they perceive your emotional expressions and responses. Seek guidance from someone with a high level of emotional intelligence. Their mentorship can be invaluable in your journey to increase your EQ. These three practices increase your self-awareness. Becoming aware of your emotions is vital to your recovery.

Develop effective stress management strategies, such as exercise, deep breathing, or time management, to keep your emotions in check during challenging situations. Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation, can help you become more aware of your emotional responses and learn to control them. Being prepared with strategies in advance assists you in weathering any storm that comes your way.

Pay close attention when others speak. Try to understand their feelings, concerns, and perspectives without immediately offering solutions or judgment. It is always better to listen to understand than to listen to respond.  I dislike it when I share my feelings with someone, and they respond without waiting for me to finish so they can share about their own life. That is an instant shut down for me. I know they do not care.

Work on your verbal and non-verbal communication skills. Be clear, concise, and empathetic in your interactions. Check your own body language. Body language often speaks louder than words. Are your arms crossed? Are you eyes wandering? What would it take to look into the eyes of the person talking? Are you giving them signs that you are listening?

When interacting with others, try to imagine what it’s like to be in their situation. This can help you connect on a deeper level. Strive to build and maintain positive relationships. Invest time in nurturing connections with friends, family, and colleagues.

Learn conflict resolution techniques to handle disagreements constructively. Techniques such as assertive communication, conflict analysis, taking breaks from discussions, and compromise, are all effective in deescalating conflict.

Identify healthy coping strategies for dealing with adversity, setbacks, or difficult emotions. This might include seeking support from others or engaging in self-care activities. Instead of dwelling on failures or setbacks, view them as opportunities for growth and learning.

Set meaningful, achievable goals that align with your values and passions. This can provide motivation and a sense of purpose. Check out our blog posts on values and passions. Recognize and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. This positive reinforcement can boost your motivation.

There are many books and resources available on emotional intelligence. Consider reading about the topic to gain new insights and strategies. Attend workshops or training programs on emotional intelligence if they are available in your area and online. These can provide practical exercises and guidance.

Remember that emotional intelligence is a skill that can be developed and improved over time through self-awareness, practice, and a genuine commitment to understanding and connecting with others on a deeper emotional level.

Neglecting your emotional intelligence can have far-reaching consequences in various aspects of your life, including your relationships, personal development, and professional aspirations. Recognizing the importance of emotional intelligence and actively working to improve upon it can lead to more positive outcomes in your trauma healing process and all areas of your life.

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We Are Love

We are all love and spirit beings, no matter who we are or where we come from. We are all connected in our spirits, which allows us to see the beauty in each other, even when it is difficult to do so. When someone has hurt us or made decisions that have damaged our trust in them, we can remember that they too are a spirit being. They may have acted out of fear or lack of love, but this does not make them any less worthy of compassion. I know it is difficult to consider the other person when they have wronged and hurt you. However, when we see them as fellow broken humans we can turn from anger to compassion.

It is important to recognize that although there may be actions that someone has taken that you do not approve of or condone, it is essential to differentiate between the person and their actions. When a child strikes another person, are we able to separate the action from the child? Do you start calling the child a devil or other awful names? Or do you remove the child and instruct them on their behaviour?

It cannot be assumed that because one action was wrong, the person that committed it is completely bad. We have all heard that we should give the benefit of the doubt. Giving the benefit of the doubt means to believe something good about someone, rather than something bad.  We have the choice of doing either. Every individual has a unique spirit, and as such should be treated as an individual rather than defined by their past choices and actions.

We can also remember that those who hurt will in turn become hurtful. By understanding this cycle of pain, we can cultivate empathy and compassion for those whom we perceive to have wronged us, if we realize that they acted out of fear or lack of love. There may be times when it is best to distance ourselves from people who have been damaging in our lives, yet we still need to remember our connection in spirit.

Consider this example. The relationship with your sister is strained and has been most of your life. Do you treat her the way she treats you? Do you distance yourself from her to minimize the effect she has on you? Do you try to understand her behaviour? My experience says that option 2 and 3 are the best ways to go. Option one only leaves you feeling bad about yourself. Option one is sandbox mentality. To rise above the situation, put some distance between the two of you. When your emotions are calm you could try to understand her behaviour. You may not come to a place of understanding. That is okay. Distance is an effective way to manage the situation – even during family gatherings. I do not see distance as being a way to run away. I see distance as a positive mental health strategy and setting healthy boundaries.

Ultimately, remembering that we are all love and spirit beings, brings greater peace and harmony into our lives. No matter how broken or scared someone might seem on the outside, we can keep in mind that at their core they are love. After all, God is Love and we are a thought of God. Then it follows that we each have an innate capacity for love. It is this spiritual connection between us which allows us to act in a loving manner towards one another, even during times of difficulty or strife.

It is important to consider that despite the circumstances of our lives and the challenges we face, no one can ever take away our worth as spirit beings. Others and God love us, and more importantly than anything else, we are lovable! Let us strive towards creating a world where every person can feel secure in knowing that their spirit is worthy of respect and compassion. By embodying this truth, we can all become more connected in love.

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FEAR

FEAR

FFFFFF Ear

Yup I said it.   This Thing that hovers around like a black entity waiting to pounce, or smother, or consume my confidence.    I struggle with Fear. 

I can call it lots of different names.   Resistance, lack of initiative, my word of the week, procrastination.

What is it really?  Fear of being judged,  fear of being seen,  fear of being authentic, fear that if people really knew what I felt, or thought, they would not Like me.  Fear of being ostrasized or worse.  Shame, humility, rejection, exclusion. 

Fear permeates so many areas of our life.  Walking outside in the dark, travelling to a new place alone, public speaking.  Fear of heights, fear of water, fear of flying,  fear of catching an illness, fear of getting old, fear of meeting people who are different, fear of people who are the same, complacency. There are all kinds of fears around money, not enough of it, how to keep it, how to increase it, fear of losing it.

Fear of loss, and fear of being alone have entire industries built around these fears.

There is nothing wrong with being afraid of something, someone or the unknown.

What is detrimental to us is to let the fear overrule the potential for joy.

My friend, Sue Crutcher often says that SCARED and SACRED are the same word with the letters changed around.

To change the letters around, we can change our thoughts around the Fear that holds us bound.

And when I say bound, I mean bound, tied up, restrained, restricted from being free.  One of the physical aspects to intense fear and anxiety is constipation.  Even your butt knows this is not good for you.  Butt seriously, folks. 

Fear takes a toll on the physical body. It causes so many ailments. Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life addresses many of the root causes of physical issues.  Acne, eczema, back pain, fibromyalgia all stem from various fears.  The beautiful thing is we can do something to alleviate it, dispel and free us from these fears.

First take stock.  This past week I have been feeling a malaise.  I woke up with headaches, my back and hips hurt.  I have been fatigued but awake at night. I feel like something is irritating me.

 I asked for Help.

I prayed about it. I spoke to my dear friend whose counsel I value.   I realized I have been doing the Avoid Dance.  When I am afraid of something, I AVOID IT.  I find all kinds of things to do to NOT do the thing I should do.  Yesterday at 2am, I was scrubbing the bathroom tiles, because I was awake and I was avoiding what I was supposed to be doing.   I spend time in my head, thinking.  Not doing.

This is the FREEZE response of the parasympathetic response system.  We fight, we flee or we freeze.

Recognize what your own response to the Fear is.   Do you fight? Get angry at your spouse, or children?

Do you fight or squash your own internal voice or intuition?  Do you run away, move, quit?

It takes a bit of retrospection to understand our responses.  This is where the growth or healing comes in. 

The next step is to name the fear.  Once we shine the light onto it, it will not seem so overwhelming.

One definition of Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.  It may be that our perception of the beast is bigger than the beast is.  Ever hear a noise a night, and imagine it is mouse, only to discover it is a tree branch scrapping against the eavestrough?

Say what it is that makes you feel afraid, or shameful, or resistant, or angry.

  Face the fear. (NB IF you are in an abusive situation, Do not do this step alone.  Go to a safe place and have informed people help you).

One of the fears we carry with us during the human experience is the fear of our full potential.

IF we could comprehend our full potential, we would be fearless. 

You are a thought of God.  You are creative, limitless, and free.  You have the ability to love on a quantum level. That love is an inherent part of your DNA.

Fear causes us to restrict, pull in, shut down.  Love expands, flows, enlightens and opens us to new opportunities and growth. There is no fear in love; Perfect love drives out all fear.

When we allow ourselves to feel that immense love, it frees us. Love gives us courage.  It brings confidence.  So, is perhaps fear just a lack of love?  A love of others, a love of self, a love of life.  Forgive yourself. 

Imagine if your life was cloaked in love, what would you be less afraid to do?