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Healing Practices
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Transformation: Acceptance and Self-compassion

I did something the other day I don’t usually do. I found myself scrolling through social media. One reel hooked me into another, and then another and another and on and on it went.

I know the concept of reels is to hook the viewer into more and more. I got hooked. Then next thing I knew an hour and half went by at the speed of my finger. Can you relate? Has this EVER happened to you?

After I had finished chastising myself on the waste of time, I realized something significant.

I realized a lot of the reels I watched were about transformation. I have to admit I have been doing research on the concept of transformation and engaging in some transformative practices.

Algorithms caught on and filled my feed with reels about transformation. Now, not all reels were about transformation. Some were just plain funny and I laughed ‘til I cried. I love a sense of humour. I can still see the outrageous stuff people do and I chuckle to myself. Hmmmm.

Right. Let’s get back to what I was talking about.

So, was scrolling a waste of time? I’m going out on a limb and saying “NO”.

The fact that I realized what I had been watching was of some value made me a bit giddy. I had held the belief that all social media scrolling was to fill in time waiting for appointments or an avenue to killing off brain cells. I was wrong.

Choke! Choke! Gag!

Yes, I was wrong and I am not afraid to admit it. It isn’t easy but I do admit it.

In that hour and a half, I learned some new things and I cemented in the things I already knew and discovered. And now I get to share what I learned with you.

If you aren’t interested in transforming any area of your life, duck out now. I suspect you’ll be bored.

If you are interested in transforming an area of your life read on. My prayer is that you will be blessed and get excited to begin the process of transforming your life to what YOU want it to be.

To start I think we need to ask the question, “Is transformation really possible?”. I give the answer to this question two thumbs up. YES! It is possible to transform your life.

Think about it. Most movies we watch are about transformations. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The Hulk. Kevin Spacey’s character in The Usual Suspects. Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. The Gremlins. Star Wars and don’t forget about every Marvel movie. I believe I made my point.

So yes, transformation is possible. Transformation is not an easy road. Transformation is definitely worth the time, effort and money you invest in the process. So, where do you begin?

Transformation usually starts with a crisis. You hit rock bottom and find yourself in despair and or depression. You can’t do this anymore. How did you get here? How did you get into this? What just happened? How could he?

I am sure you can relate to at least one of these questions during a crisis in your life. I’m also sure you can add a thousand questions to this list.

I remember thinking during one of my many crises that maybe it was me. “If I could just find a way to change me everything would be okay.” So, I tried to change me, a transformation. I tried to become what I thought he wanted. That didn’t work! It actually made matters worse. I was miserable because I was living against my values, what I believed and who I was. My misery made the whole situation worse. Yes, transformation is not always positive.

I also remember a time when my second marriage was in dire trouble. I tried everything I knew at the time to “fix it”. This went on for a few years. Then one morning I woke up and decided it was not about him anymore. It was not about us anymore. It was about me.

I started my journey to wholeness, strength, confidence, and self-worth.

I engaged in psychotherapy to find my way out of the internal chatter that threatened to bury me. I read books. I found online groups for support. I went to retreats, seminars and workshops. I took part in online challenges. I sought out the thoughts and ideas of leaders in the field of transformation. I studied biographies of people who believed in themselves, went against “the norm” and found themselves, their strengths, and their passions.

Ladies, it has been quite the journey. It has cost me a lot of time, money, tears, anger and joy, mostly joy. This journey continues and I do not want to stop. I have found beauty among the ashes. I have found inner joy. I am happy – most of the time. I am an overcomer. I have even had do-overs!

So, where do you start on your journey of transformation – if you decide to start the challenge?

You have heard the quote by Lao Tzu, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” This is exactly where to start. You start with the first step.

The first step is your decision to invest in yourself. If there is to be a change in your life, that change starts with you.

I believe you made that decision when you started reading this article or looking online for topics on personal change and transformation. We all long to be like the butterfly who emerges from the cocoon as a beautiful creature.

What do you do when you’ve made that decision? Good question! And bravo for asking it. When you ask a good question, you get a good answer. Your next step is acceptance.

Acceptance begins with acknowledging and confirming your emotions, even the painful ones.

When a woman experiences trauma she can allow herself to feel the depth of her sadness, anger, or fear without judgment. Instead of pushing these emotions away or denying their existence, she can acknowledge them as valid responses to her experiences.

Allow me to tell you a story.

Maya was no stranger to life’s challenges; she has weathered her fair share of storms and emerged stronger each time. Despite her resilience, there was still a heaviness in her heart—a lingering ache from wounds that ran deep.

One day Maya found herself sitting by the riverbank, lost in thought. Memories of past sufferings flooded her mind, threatening to consume her in a sea of sorrow. Tears welled up in her eyes as she struggled to make sense of it all.

In that moment of vulnerability, Maya realized that she had been fighting against herself, resisting the pain that clamored for acknowledgment. With an audible moan, she let go of her defenses and allowed herself to feel—to truly feel—the weight of her emotions. She embraced her sadness, her anger, her fear, like old friends returning home after a long journey.

Maya felt a gentle stirring within her—a flicker of self-compassion igniting in the depths of her soul. She spoke softly to herself, offering words of kindness and understanding, like soothing balm to a wounded heart.

“I forgive you,” she whispered, her voice trembling with emotion. “I forgive you for carrying this burden for so long. You deserve peace, and I will walk beside you every step of the way.”

With each passing day, Maya practiced self-compassion in small but profound ways. She learned to let go of the heavy cloak of self-blame that had weighed her down for years.  Instead, she embraced the lightness of forgiveness and grace. She set boundaries to protect her tender heart. She surrounded herself with love and support.

As the seasons turned and the world bloomed around her, Maya found herself transformed. She was not transformed by the absence of pain, but by the acceptance of it. She had become a beacon of hope for others, living proof to the power of acceptance and self-compassion on the journey of healing.

And so, dear reader, remember Maya’s story as you navigate your own path of transformation. Embrace your pain, your imperfections, with open arms, for it is in acceptance that true healing begins.

This is the beginning of your journey in transformation. Acceptance takes time. Take this opportunity to accept. Give yourself the gift of time to accept yourself as you are, scars and all. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t run from them. Your emotions are part of you, a beautiful part of you.

Show yourself compassion. This means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Present yourself with words of comfort and reassurance during difficult moments. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can given your circumstances.

Acceptance also means letting go of self-blame and recognizing that traumatic events are not your fault. A woman who has experienced abuse can release feelings of guilt or shame and understand that she did not deserve what happened to her. Instead of blaming herself for past actions or decisions, she can focus on nurturing herself and begin moving forward.

Self-compassion and acceptance involve embracing your imperfections and recognizing that nobody is perfect. A woman can forgive herself for past mistakes or perceived shortcomings, understanding that they do not define her worth. Instead of striving for unattainable standards of perfection, celebrate your uniqueness and inherent value.

Acceptance includes setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being and honor your needs. You can assertively communicate your boundaries with others, expressing what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. Prioritize self-care and respect your limits. In this way you show self-compassion and cultivate a sense of empowerment.

When you practice acceptance and self-compassion you develop a deeper sense of self-awareness, resilience, and inner peace. These habits serve as the foundation for healing and growth, allowing you to embrace your true self with love and compassion.

There is more to discover on this journey of transformation. Next week we will uncover mindset shifts that can change your perspective and significantly affect your personal healing journey.

May you always be guided by the gentle whispers of self-compassion, leading you home to the depths of your own beautiful soul.

Handling Life
Featured

The Perfect Gift

This is traditionally the season of giving. In the world in which we live, there can be an external pressure to perceive that giving must have a financial cost to it. The idea of the bigger the better is really promoted at this time of year.

I remember when I was in the financial planning industry, sitting with clients who had repeatedly accumulated debt every holiday season. In an attempt to provide the perfect holiday, and the perfect gifts they exceeded their means.  The cost of the debt, which compounded with interest, increased exponentially causing a huge amount of stress on the families. The interest on credit cards, or even lines of credit add up quickly to a great deal of money. An expenditure which brings us no value. Parents worked extra hours, took on secondary incomes, which increased their stress levels, resulting in time away from their families, and feeling exhausted and grouchy when they were with their family. No time left for friends or enjoying the moment. Stress takes a physical toll on our bodies, minds, emotions, and energy.

Ironically, kids don’t really remember that trending toy – that eventually and inevitably gets relegated to the back of the closet.  I recently had a conversation with our 25-year-old son, and what he remembered was the year we had a sleigh ride with real horses and our friend Gail’s, German shepherd dog named Bear who kept our feet warm by sitting on us. That was a great day.

The best gift you can give is the gift of you. Your time, your talent, your attention, your love, your presence. To be fully present, put your phone down and lift your face up. We connect with each other though sight, sound, and touch. And smell, the limbic part of the brain is directly connected to the olfactory glands of the nose. The limbic system is a group of structures in the brain that governs emotions, motivation, olfaction, and behavior. It is also involved in the formation of long-term memory.

This is why certain scents can trigger memories. What scent do you affiliate with the holidays?

Here are some ideas on how you can create a holiday memory that will give significant receiver appreciation, without sending your bank account into receivership.

Think Outside the Box

We often overlook the gifts we have to offer. What skill do you possess that can benefit another person?

Giving a few lessons in what you love to do can impact another person in such a significant way. Can you play the guitar? The piano or drums? What about showing your teenager how to prepare a meal from scratch? One on one time with them and no other siblings. Play music, theirs, and yours while you are cooking up some jambalaya in the kitchen.

Baking, music making, craft time, woodworking, soap making, crocheting, sewing, knitting, stained glass, coin collecting, painting both for art and a room. The list is endless. These are all activities that you can do together, where the beneficiary of the activity reaps dividends. They get time with you, building relationships, learn a new skill which they can continue to use or even teach to someone else.

Take a course together. Find a workshop that interests you both.

Exercise with your loved one. The month my daughter and I did a remote yoga class together was fantastic.

Do a charitable activity together. Gift wrapping at the mall, food delivery, so many charities need help.

As the interest in whole foods increases, showing a loved one the art of gardening brings edible rewards from May to November. The thrill of tasting that first crunchy sweet carrot planted from seed, watered, tilled, then harvested, and washed under the hose is amazing.

Many grandparents are choosing to take the grandchildren on an outing or an experience instead of a under the tree type gift. Rose taught her grandchildren to ski. One at a time.

She also took the 4 of them to an indoor water park. Giving a child-free weekend to her kids, while having a fabulous fun whale of a time with the little ones.

This idea of gifting time and talent can flow up hill as well. Most kids today are experts on their computers and their phones. Those skills are now needed by the grandparents as almost everything is done on-line now. An hour or two of computer lessons will add more value to grannie’s life than another cardigan.

Time outside is essential too. Walk in nature, go see the Lights, play in the snow, or on the beach depending on where you live. Play outdoor games with each other. My neighbour organized a circuit training course for her two boys so they can exercise together, while apart. Physical activity burns off tension and anxiety. It creates laughter so moods improve, and everyone gets along better when they are in the groove.

Learn to give a great massage. Hand massages are so appreciated by people who spend hours on the keyboard. Foot/ reflexology massages relax the whole body, improve sleep, reduce stress and most people love them. Couple it with a custom aromatherapy blend and the experience is sheer bliss. FYI, I can teach you this.

If you know a tradesman and your mom needs a new kitchen cabinet, can you trade skills such as an hour or two organizing for some cabinet making? Think creatively.

Granted some of these ideas may be a bit late for this season. But an idea shared is never lost. It increases in the sharing.

Let’s look at Value. Time with a loved one is the most valuable thing. Period. Often, we don’t recognize this until our loved one is gone. I wish I could bake one more pie with my Mom or learn to be a better photographer or listen to my Dad play the harmonica. Time goes by quickly. We do not know how much time we get. Use your time wisely.

The pride of accomplishment, the life skill learned, the time together, the laughter, the love and that joy, unending joy is in the gift. Give the gift of you. It is the perfect gift.

Blog Posts Healing Practices
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What Happens When Our Values Are Conflicted

When we conflict with our values, we are not whole. We are not well. When our values are conflicted, we are not grounded. We flit about. Pulled this way. Pushed that way. When our values are conflicted, we are influenced by others’ opinions and trends. When our values are conflicted, we can be indecisive, unsure, and misled.

Our values connect our heart and our head. We need to be clear on our values, the ones imprinted on our hearts. You can tell your head anything, but you cannot tell your heart just anything. Your heart knows. When our heart and our head are conflicted, it creates incoherence. We are confused and unclear of who we are and what we are doing. Living outside our values is living a lie.

When our values are conflicted our spirit resonance is restricted. A spirit resonance is when our purpose is task and spiritually oriented. We honour ourselves and others and we care for all things. “Living in a spiritual resonance is fun, positive, enlightening, spiritual, bonding, caring, and validating. It is safe, meaningful, hopeful, compassionate, educational, inviting, engaging, connected, authentic, and provocative.” (https://www.taosinstitute.net/files/Content/5692967/whitney_AI-Creating-Spiritual-Resonance.pdf)  Imagine living your life outside of these beautiful values.

Our internal world compass conflicts with what we are presenting to the external world. The internal compass is the part of you that is your soul. This part of you is all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful, creative, and limitless. When you connect to your inner compass you are fearless, confident, and calm. When your values are conflicted, you experience separation from your soul. Fears, anxiety, and self-doubt take control. You wear masks to present yourself to the world. Your true self is hiding, and you become a shell of your person resulting in depression.

In an abusive relationship you pretend it is not so bad. You quiet the conflicting values. Whenever there is abuse in a relationship trust is broken and sadly one of the biggest trust issues is trusting ourselves. When we let others make our decisions, we learn to distrust our own structures and beliefs. You distrust what you know to be true. When you distrust what you know to be true your foundation is shattered. You second guess most or all your decisions. How can you improve your daily life when each moment is shifting? You struggle to find your footing.

Another emotion that appears with conflicted values is fear. This one is H U G E for most of us. We often react from a place of fear. Fear isolates us from our own emotions and other people, tasks, or things. A threat of losing something is present and we act out of fear. Fear rises when a need of ours will possibly go unfulfilled. Fear can also emerge from memories. Have you ever said, “I’ve seen this before.” or “Here we go again.”? These phrases come out of memories and our fears appear as present and threatening.

Other emotions that appear with conflicted values are frustration and hurt. Values are at the root of all frustration and hurt. The frustrations and hurts are more about what value of ours has been challenged. I was often frustrated in my marriage because my husband procrastinated. Was I frustrated because of his procrastination and incomplete project and chores? I thought so before I did some work with values. I realized I was frustrated because I value integrity and play time. Work not getting done equaled my missing play time. That was unacceptable. I believe play time is essential to a healthy body, mind, and spirit. Play time puts me in touch with my inner child. And I like my inner child a lot!

Our next blog post will give actions on ways to correct conflicted values.

We look forward to reading your comments. Do you have a burning issue you would like us to address? Post it in the comments below. We are here to serve you.

Blog Posts Healing Practices
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Where Do Values Come From?

Values are passed down through generations. Geography plays a role in our values. Parents play a role in our values. Extended families play a role in our values. Friends, teachers, coaches, television, radio, music all play a role in the formation of our values. Religion or other systems of belief plays a role in the formation of our values.

Our family values come from our social circles and the cultures we grew up in. I grew up in a Catholic neighbourhood, went to a catholic school and was married in a catholic church. I adopted values from my catholic upbringing such as:

Thankfulness

Compassion

Peace

Wisdom

Hope

Humility

Generosity

Courage

Love

Respect

I have adopted values by being born a Canadian, such as:

Fairness

Diversity

Equality

Inclusion

Health

Safety

Democracy

Sustainability

I have adopted values from life experiences, such as:

Freedom

Purpose

Responsibility

Integrity

Clarity

Self respect

Empathy

Playfulness

Wonder

Strength

Consider in what country you were born. Consider your family, parents, siblings, and grandparents. Consider where you went to church or why you did not go to church. What values did you pick up?

If you are from America, you may value individualism, materialism, and achievement.

If you are from Latin America, you may value family, respect, and honour.

If you are Asian, you may value education, respect of authority and hierarchy and unity.

As an African you may value hospitality, morality, and time.

A Christian may value compassion, humility, and love.

A Taoist may value kindness, simplicity, and modesty.

A follower of Judaism may value respect, fairness, and community.

If you grew up in a family that valued time together, you may have adopted that value. If your family of origin valued travel, then you too may have adopted that value and plan regular excursions. If your family didn’t value travel, then you may have adopted the value of travel because you are “not going to live like they did”.

What experiences have you had in life? Did a close friend die young? An event like this can instill a value of living in the moment with a heightened sense of gratefulness. Have you been cheated on?  A life event like this can instill a value of fidelity or loyalty. Did you get fired from a job unjustly? Your value of loyalty or trust would take a hit.  I am sure you get my point.

Who are you? What have you experienced?

The answer to these questions forms your

personality,

your guiding moral foundations,

your attributes,

and your mental toolkit.

These inform your values, what you care about or not, whether you think about it or not.

Your values inform your decisions and actions.

Our values are on display constantly as we interact with others, choose the programs we watch, choose career paths and pass judgement on ourselves and others. How could interactions with others influence your values? Imagine for a moment you are in the grocery store. You are choosing oranges from the bin when you hear a man interacting with his wife. He is loud and commenting on the fact that she is spending too much money, those are too expensive, can we leave yet and on and on it goes. You glance over at them. You catch her eye and offer that look between women that says “I’m sorry” without having to say a word. You sneer at him. He misses it. In your mind you say, “I’m glad my husband doesn’t act like that in public.” You have displayed two of your values, compassion, and propriety.

Your values come into play each time you pick up the remote to watch a television program. Are you going to watch that movie with mild pornography or tune into a Disney movie? Did you choose a career path in finance? You could choose to help people with their money, or you can choose to make money for yourself. And on and on it goes, a lot of it unconsciously.

Our values influence E V E R Y T H I N G in our lives and they come from our families, our cultures, and our life experiences.