Navigating Life Changes

How much is too much?

Recently I had been tasked with the sorting and clearing of my Mother-In-Law’s apartment.  She had fallen and because of her failing health went from the hospital to a nursing home. It was challenging on many levels.  She no longer had the mental capacity to make decisions for herself.  Therefore, I along with my husband, her son, had to decide what to do with all the stuff.

As a woman who had placed a great value on her appearance, the incredible volume of clothing bore testament to that.  There were 5 closets, 4 dressers and one wardrobe packed full of fashion.

It was like a time capsule from the 1960’s to present day.   Most of her pieces were in excellent condition, some still with price tags on them.  Desired, purchased yet never worn.  Brigitte lived in a time when women would get dressed up to go out.  She wouldn’t see visitors, friends or family without having had her hair done.  A trip to the hairdresser was a weekly occurrence in her younger days.  She loved to sew. Her singer sewing machine in it’s hardwood desk cabinet still works.   There were some blazers and skirts in her closet, pinned but not yet completed.  Although she had not sewn in the last 2 decades. 

She dressed impeccably with the matching necklaces, earrings and broaches.  Shoes and purses matched or co-ordinated.  Belts from every age, hung like an art design, sparkling when the light hit them.    Brigitte had worked in retail and would recount the stories of how she would set aside a garment when the new season’s style came in, so she always had the current fashion.  Most of the clothing in her closets had not been worn in years, perhaps decades.  She had 26 pleated skirts, still in the drycleaner plastic coverings, some brand new. That was just the pleated skirts. There were kilts, pencil skirts, flowing maxis, so many culottes.  Glamorous dresses with sequins, I wish I could have seen her in those days.  

Eight years ago when she and my father-in-law moved from their house to the apartment. I remember asking if she wanted to donate some of her extra clothing.  A sharp No was her response.  She could not comprehend how I could possibly suggest such an outrageous thing!  These were her things.  I understand it.  Although most of the clothing in her closet hadn’t been worn since she was in her 40’s, it was the memory that she held on to so fiercely.  In holding so tight to the past, she did not allow much room for the present.    She wanted the past back.  She longed for it, to the point that it was almost the only topic of conversation that interested her. She also did not let go of any perceived slight or insult, never forgiving and often bringing up in conversation the day, so and so, did such and such.  As a Purebioenergy Healing Therapist, and a person who had spent the last 20 plus years learning about healing, I knew that holding onto the anger, grief, sadness and bitterness was hurting her body and her mind.

She valued her privacy and did not want people in her home.   She had cut herself off from the world, choosing not to go out, nor have anyone in.  My husband and I used to joke, we were her minions.  Just do what needs doing, and do not expect any gratitude or you will just set yourself up for disappointment.  I do feel empathy for her. A person gets to choose what matters in their life.

Brigitte used to like a hot coffee and kuchen, (German for cake) every afternoon.  I would bring her a coffee from Tim’s, and a slice of cake from the German bakery.  It had to be fresh.  She would be happy for a few minutes.  My father-in-law when he was alive baked cake every 3 days, so there was fresh cake always available.   Now she can only eat minced food, so I am glad she had enjoyed her cake for all those years. 

As I sorted, cleaned, cleared, boxed up and carefully folded the items to be donated or consigned.  I am hopeful that perhaps a women may receive or purchase one of the 26 pleated skirts for a job interview, or a graduation ceremony for herself or her child.  Perhaps that women will have a girl’s day out to a theatre and tea house with her friends.  These are beautiful skirts, some never worn with the original labels still on them, Made in Canada of Canadian wool.   As I did this labour of love, I found myself pondering “How much is too much?” 

Four sets of fancy china dishes, some never have been used, rarely for a family gathering, waiting for a special occasion.  There is a sadness to waiting for the right time to use the good dishes, that sit gathering dust in the china cabinet. All the crystal glasses – many now at my house, until I decide what to do with them.   Many have already been donated to The Retail Therapy Store.  How many are too many?

As a child my husband was not allowed to have friends over, less they made a mess of the house.  His mother valued a clean house, never allowed a pet, although she liked cats. My MIL’s identity was very much tied up in how she, her house, her car, had to be perfect in her eyes. She would get very upset if it wasn’t.   She had an image of perfection.  It is very difficult to hold up the illusion of perfection.  It is also challenging to live your life under the auspices of what will the neighbours think.  How can you be free to be yourself, when you are constantly worried you may do something inappropriate, not fully knowing what inappropriate is, yet knowing you will be judged harshly for it?  

The other observation I had as a cleared, cleaned, and dealt with all this stuff was my realization of how angry and resentful I was becoming.  This responsibility had been dumped on us, myself especially. Prior to my father-in-law’s death at age 86, they had years to declutter, downsize the excess, and clear out the stuff. He purposely left all of it for us to deal with and told us so.   Granted he had been ill in the last year and had been the caregiver for his wife for years.   Last summer, my husband and I cleared out the property my F.I.L owned. This is the second time, we are left cleaning up the mess.   How many women experience this is their lives:  Left with the responsibility of clearing messes not of their own making?  Left with the responsibility of cleaning up stuff that not even their stuff? I know a woman who left her home in BC, to come to KW to clear out her parent’s place, after they had died.  It took her a year and a half to deal with the Estate responsibilities.  How much is too much?

These past 18 months, since the death of my father-in-law have been too much. The last six months have taken a toll.   There is a cost to having to do this.  A cost of time, the time away from my own children and grandchild, the time away from my business, and my commitment to clients, my business partner and our creative offerings.  A cost to my relationship to my husband, I am thankful we can talk out all the angst this has caused.  He is exhausted.  We have not had a summer, as this has been all consuming.   All our weekends, and after his full time work hours have been spent clearing.  This is thankless work, and it is hard work. Mentally, making the decisions, booking appointments, dealing with financial institutions, hours on hold with Bell Canada for a simple cancellation.  Organizing years of photos, collections, shredding old paperwork. Physically, it is demanding, moving furniture, carrying heavy boxes, cleaning repeatedly, and lifting heavy, cumbersome items.  Then addressing the emotional side as, one processes all the emotions that arise as you do it.    There is a cost to my health, and my husband’s health.  Thank God for PureBioenergy Healing Therapy.  We will take time to reset, refresh and renew ourselves.  My heart can empathize with the many caregivers who struggle looking after aging parents.

The moral of this story is take responsibility for your stuff – your physical stuff, your emotional stuff, your financial stuff.  Do it Now.  It is not an act of love to make your children bear the burden of you not taking responsibility and addressing that which needs to be done.  Let’s Clean up our act.   There are many ways in which less is more.

I am going through my own closet, as I do once or twice a year, asking myself what no longer fits my lifestyle?   Don’t let your stuff clutter up your space, your mind and your being.  Release it, let it go.   A few minutes a week, to sort the receipts, the accounts, and payments builds your confidence.  It feels empowering to know where your funds are going, and to see your savings growing.  A clean, organized home creates a calm, peaceful environment contributing to our well-being.

A poem by Judy

Life’s Journey

As you go along this journey of life,

Take a photo and travel light.

Keep the happy memory, release with Love, the sad.

You will find then, even the darkest days are not so bad.

Recount the laughter, the fun times, the Cheer

Let the irritations and disagreements disappear.

Keep your friendships current,

Keep your backpack light,

So you are always ready,

In a moment’s notice to go

And join the next adventure

Sans burden your trek to slow.

The stuff you can release it,

It only holds you back

And when it comes right down to it,

Its only faith we lack.

Spend your time with Loved ones

We all grow up too quick

Spend your coin on caring

Less the tax man takes his pick

Celebrate the moments,

Forgive and your will find,

This journey life provides for us

Is truly quite sublime.