There is and has been much talk about self-esteem. Have you ever wondered why there is a lot of chatter about it? Have you wondered why self-esteem is so important? Or do you glance at those articles out of the corner of your eye, give it a humph and move on?
I often would glance at the article, give it humph and move on. That was until my self-esteem was no where to be found. This has happened to me more than once in my life. To be open and honest with you, my self-esteem was absent three times in my life.
I was one of those kids who believed what people in authority told me. As a kid we were told you don’t question those in authority. I didn’t question them – out loud. I did, however question their words in my mind and heart but never out loud. As an adult I see that never allowing a child to question anyone is detrimental to their mental health.
When a person in authority tells you, “You’re too stupid” or “You’ll never amount to much” or are criticized for what you do repeatedly, you start to believe them. I figured they knew something I didn’t. I do admit I wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I was far from stupid. I stuttered. I learned differently than most kids in my class. I needed extra time to grasp the concepts. I also asked too many “why” questions. I needed the world to make sense to me. No one had time for those who are different. Those who are different required too much, and no one wanted to put in the time or effort to discover what made those who are different, different.
Eventually I learned to be invisible. I learned to be an observer rather than a participant. I preferred to be in the background. There were times I put myself out there to be seen. Those were fun times. It wasn’t long after that, that I would be put in my place again by a comment from one in authority. This cycle repeated itself throughout my life. This cycle eroded my self-esteem.
What do you do with eroded self-esteem? I went looking for it. I was a frequent visitor to the self-help section at the library. I read about self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth. I knew I had to do more than read. I had to do something about it. The first thing I did was find something I was good at. Through trial and error, I found that I was good at creating things with my hands. I took classes on things I was interested in. I worked in a craft shop so I could learn more. I started teaching others to do what I was learning.
I learned that as I spent time with people who had similar interests, they liked me, and I also started to like myself. I began to take better care of myself. I saw that I had value and could positively contribute to my world. I became excited about what I was doing, and imagining owning a business. I did start my own business teaching others to create with their hands. I felt successful when people signed up and paid for my knowledge.
I learned to be kind to myself. I talked to myself using positive words. I decided how I wanted to treat others. I decided how I would treat myself. I spoke to myself with kindness and affection. I believed in myself and my abilities. I accepted my limitations but did not accept that I could not overcome them.
I had to make some really difficult decisions; decisions that affected not just me but my children as well. I learned that making difficult decisions doesn’t kill a person. Making those decisions can actually keep you alive. I also learned that with those decisions, there may come some guilt and doubt. Both guilt and doubt can be overcome. I learned to sit with the doubts and the guilt until the feelings went away. I would have a good angel, bad angel conversation. The good angel would speak kindly. The bad angel would laugh at the good angel and “tell me how it really is”. These two would go back and forth until I had relived the entire relationship and I decided that I would not and could not go back to THAT! Then I would pick myself up, dust myself off and forge ahead.
I learned it is okay to assert oneself. This was one of the scariest things I ever did. Asserting oneself when you have learned to disappear is super hard. I do not remember the first time I asserted myself. I do remember the feelings that went with it. I was nauseous. I had sweaty palms and armpits. My legs shook uncontrollably. I thought I would poop myself. I thought I would collapse. I wanted to run away. Nothing bad happened when I asserted myself. The outcome was pretty good. I got what I needed. No one hated me for asserting myself.
One of my counsellors suggested acting confidently even when I did not feel like it. This was hard, really hard. I am not one to fake it until you make it. I found that reciting positive affirmations was helpful. Over the past 4 years I have accumulated over 160 affirmations I can turn to. I recite what I need for a few days or weeks. During those days and weeks my mind believes what I am telling it. My confidence increases exponentially.
I built my self-esteem by taking part in activities that I enjoyed. I learned that I did not have to do only what others wanted to do. I opened myself up to new experiences that I wanted to pursue. I have always liked music. My interests were not too varied. I started to listen to other genres of music other than rock and country. I now enjoy a wide variety of music including symphonies and opera. I learned to golf and love the game but not for competitive reasons. I started gardening and decided that I like flowers a whole lot better than vegetables. I figure there is a farmers’ market close by. I will buy my vegetables. I like to ride a bike. I am a destination cyclist. Riding a bike for the sake of riding a bike just isn’t for me. I like being on the water in a boat. I do not like fishing. I like sitting by a river and reading. I love downhill skiing. I’m not really good at it but I enjoy the thrill of coasting down a mountain. I like to stop on occasion and take in my surroundings. Discovering what I like and don’t like has helped to build my self-esteem.
One of my coaches keeps telling me to focus only on the positives. This develops my positive mental attitude. I, like you, can focus on the negative aspects of life. There are so many of them. It takes effort to focus on the positives. Focusing on the positives and building a positive mental attitude is so worth it. It has become a way of life. I am constantly looking for the positive in any and every situation. This includes the way I talk to myself. When my self-talk starts to become negative, I turn it around by focusing on the positives. It is not always easy to find the positive in any situation. Trust me, positives are there. I have found it helpful to stop and breathe. If I have to, I remove myself from the situation so I can get clarity. The more I do this, the faster I can find a positive. Then, I focus on the positive.
Here is a simple exercise you can do to build a positive mental attitude.
- Notice each enjoyable thing that happens to you during your day, even if it seems insignificant.
- Keep these moments in your mind or write them down in a notebook you carry with you. I do this at the end of each day. I call it my Joy Moments journal. Before going to bed I review my day. I pick up on the moments that brought me joy, such as the words or actions of a child, a conversation with a friend, a goal I achieved or something I heard or read that brought a smile to my face. This journal does not have any space for my struggles or upsets. This is for joy moments only.
- Over the coming weeks you will notice that these events are increasing in number and that some of them are not only fleeting moments of joy but that they are having an impact on your future.
- Review your entries from time to time. You will see that you do have a very good life.
Creating a positive mental attitude is a giant step in building self-esteem.
We have heard that meditating cleans your head-space. It’s true. I have found meditating to be a beautiful practice. We should all do something beautiful for ourselves. Through meditating I am able to see things more clearly. I listen to my heart instead of my head. My head is full of what other people say. My heart knows me. My heart is a better leader than my head will ever be. When I take the time to listen to my heart, I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I value. I am a kinder person. I am a more loving person. I can handle life better.
Building my self-esteem has been like meeting an old friend, maybe even – a new friend. I like the girl I see in the mirror. She’s not perfect because perfection is an illusion. She still has a whole world of discoveries to make. She is a perfect creation of God. I pray that each of you will find a way to develop your self-esteem. You are worth it. You are a perfect creation of God. It is time to discover her.