A good fence makes great neighbours.
A boundary is an invisible fence that holds our values, security, insights, ideas, time. The walls and doors of your house, keep your body and possessions safe. It prevents your stuff from spilling all over your yard. In the same way, your boundaries protect your mental health, your physical health and your emotional wellbeing.
Why do you need boundaries?
You need boundaries so you have control over what happens in your space. Just like property lines. I can plant flowers or vegetables on my property but I can’t plant them in my neighbour’s yard, especially when they want a yard of manicured green grass. Your boundaries give you control over your space. When someone trespasses on your space without your permission, it causes you pain. And vice versa. You control your space and take responsibility for that space. Your internal space is your thoughts, your talents, your emotions, your habits, your intuition, your spirit, your desires, your goals and dreams. Each of these have a light side and a dark side to them. It is important to take responsibility for all it, the light, and the dark. Only you can control you. Remember though, you can ask for help when you need it. You can offer help to another person. They get to choose if they can help or if they want your help. We cannot thrive in isolation. Often after a traumatic event, people withdraw and go inward, closing off their hearts, sitting in the dark, not wanting to trust or be with others. I understand this response. This can be a starting point.
We are created for community. You do, however get to choose the community. A community that aligns with your values, and that values you. A boundary is not a wall that keeps others out. It is more like a fence, or a cell membrane, or a riverbank. It is permeable with you as the gate keeper. You get to decide who or what comes in, and who or what is not allowed in. What would you like to have in your space? What you value is worth protecting. Your peace of mind is priceless. Your talents and gifts unique to you are needed in the world. Give yourself permission to say yes to what aligns with you, and no to what does not. It is not selfish. It is self-respect. When we start to respect ourselves, others will too. If someone consistently disrespects, oversteps and ignores your boundaries, it is time to limit or end your relationship with this person.
Here is a visual for you. The hula hoop analogy. Imagine you have a hula hoop around you. You are holding it in place with your hands. You can easily move within the hula hoop. You can move your legs and travel with the hula hoop. If others have their hula hoops in place, everyone can participate in the dance, with ease of space. Not banging into each other. Each having the freedom to function within their hoop. Imagine now that your hula hoop is held by another person. It impedes your ability to move freely. If someone puts their hula hoop over you, without your permission or consent, it stops you from moving freely. It is constricting and uncomfortable, especially if it continues for an extended period. The hula hoops represent our boundaries. We can tolerate letting someone influence us if it is for the common good, and usually for a set period, knowing there is a common goal to achieve. If the time exceeds our expectations or if the goal is constantly changing, having our boundaries trampled on, leads to resentment. Boundaries are essential for well-being.
Being nice can often negate our boundaries. I want people to like me therefore I may do things that may not be good for me in order to please them. I over give or let someone take advantage of my niceness. Perhaps you over give your time or your talent, or don’t charge the going rate for your work. Depleting yourself will eventually affect your physical and mental wellbeing and your wallet too.
Signs of Poor Boundaries.
There are specific symptoms that go along with struggling from poor boundaries. Here is a list of some symptoms and the corresponding boundary issue.
Here are 5 health symptoms tied to weak or violated boundaries:
| Symptom | What It Means |
| Chronic Stress & Anxiety | Your nervous system is overloaded from people-pleasing or overcommitting |
| Burnout & Exhaustion | You’re carrying emotional weight that isn’t yours |
| Resentment & Irritability | You say “yes” when you want to say “no” |
| Tension, Headaches, Insomnia | The body stores unspoken emotions |
| Low Self-Worth or Self-Doubt | You feel guilty for having needs |
Many women think something is wrong with them, but truly, they are simply overextended, overwhelmed, and emotionally unprotected.
Boundaries extend to many parts of our lives.
Here’s 5 areas that you might consider reviewing.
| Physical Boundaries | You choose how, when, and with whom you share physical space or touch. |
| Emotional Boundaries | “I’m not available for conversations that are disrespectful.” |
| Time Boundaries | “I can help, but I only have 30 minutes.” |
| Energetic Boundaries | Limiting time with people who drain or criticize you. Have you ever felt deep exhaustion after being with certain people? This needs a boundary. Perhaps a quick phone call and not an in-person visit is warranted. Set a timer and end the call with a polite “I will let you go now, Have a great day.” |
| Digital Boundaries | You don’t have to answer every message immediately. Posts that upset you, delete. Set a time limit to how long you will be on social media. Don’t scroll before bedtime, it interferes with our ability to fall and stay asleep. |
Here are some phrases you can use to help you establish and maintain your boundaries. You can be polite, but firm.
Healthy boundaries sound like:
- “No, I’m not able to do that today.”
- “I need time to think before I commit.”
- “I will not be spoken to that way.”
- “That doesn’t feel right for me.”
Saying no is not selfish. It is a form of self-respect.
Remember: people who benefit from your lack of boundaries will be the ones who resist them most. There are those people who will not honour your boundaries. For your own health, you must separate yourself from them.
Here is an Example of a Healthy Boundary: “I won’t be available to talk after 9 PM. That’s my time to rest and recharge.”
This boundary is healthy because:
- It clearly communicates a limit.
- It takes responsibility for personal needs.
- It is respectful, firm, and guilt-free.
- It protects emotional and physical well-being.
Each person needs their privacy, their own space to collect their thoughts, and to have a clean, quiet space.
Your boundaries and your values are woven together. If you have a value of generosity, you may delight in assisting others, financially, with your time, or your talent. Remember that even in giving, you need to receive. You also need discernment, so your generosity is not taken for granted. You do not want to feel pressured that you must give, even when you cannot. This is your boundary.
In nature, even the individual cells of our body have a boundary. It is the cell membrane on every cell in our body. It protects our energy and our ability to renew it. Our cell membrane lets nutrients in and removes waste. It also communicates with the other cells. If you believe you cannot set boundaries, remember that you have billions of them within you. Draw strength from that creative source within you. If you want some help with building your boundary fence, please reach out to Rose and I. We have the tools to help you design and build your own uniquely landscaped soul space, with fences, and gates.
May your needs be honoured. May your peace be protected. And may you choose what is right and respectful for you.
This poem came to me as I was walking along the river, contemplating this post.
The River.
The river hugs its riverbanks,
it holds them to the left and right.
The banks keep river in her flow
as she confidently knows where to go.
While rocks cause ripples, and speeds increase,
her riverbanks help keep the peace.
River knows her water stays intact,
she travels along without looking back.
Bubbling joyfully as she goes along
the birds sing with her, when her current is strong.
This river can meander at will, cause her riverbanks won’t overspill.
They give her the strength to know who she is, so she can give life to
all she encounters.
River hugs her riverbanks,
and thrives inside them with great Thanks.
