In the last week of January, Rose’s mother passed into glory, my father-in-law passed away, and Sue’s Dad went to be with the Lord. And, a dear friend of ours passed suddenly and unexpectedly. A great understanding of death has occurred. Our version of what death is, is attributed to our perception of what life is. If you hold the belief of life after death, if you believe you are a spirit in a body, and that the spirit is connected to God eternally, death loses it sting. Death is not the end. It is the spirit’s return from where it came. It is the circle completed.
If one does not have a belief beyond the life of the body, there is nothing else. Death of a loved one can be such an empty, lonely, pit of despair. I am witnessing how when one has no belief in the afterlife, in heaven, or in God, how painful the death of a beloved can be.
Faith soothes the hurt. Yes, of course, we are sad that our loved ones have gone from the earth. Yes, we will miss them. The comfort of knowing that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, is exactly that, comfort. This is what I hold onto in times of grief. It strengthens me when I am weak.
Let’s be clear, I still experience all the emotions. Anger certainly reared its head over the past few weeks. The song lyrics,” Get your house in order for the coming of the Lord”, keep repeating in my head. Sadness, compassion and empathy have also visited. Joy too, as we remembered the fun that was shared over the years.
There is a responsibility that each of us has to the ones remaining on earth after our passing.
First, I believe it is important that the people you love, know you love them. Speak IT. Tell them.
While you are alive. Don’t wait. Why make someone wait for something so important to their mental and emotion wellbeing? It benefits us all to know that we are loved and lovable. Three simple words “I love you” while looking in their eyes, make a world of difference to the one receiving and increases the love in the one giving.
Speak clearly to your loved ones. Let them know how important they are to your life. Let them know you are proud of them. Write a note if you cannot speak the words. You show love through actions. That means, follow through with your words. My father-in-law would bring home made food to us often. That was his love language. He wanted us to sit , eat and have a drink with him, to enjoy life.
Do the work so your financial affairs are set up properly and accurately. The frustration, stress, and time required to chase down essential forms, and sort through a mess of paperwork is an unnecessary burden for those left grieving. Wills, Power of Attorney, both for Property and Personal Care are essential legal documents. Make sure they are current and up to date. and the people who are appointed can perform all the duties the job of Estate Executor requires.
Have your bank accounts, investment accounts, and debts and assets in a file, easily accessible. When I was a Life Insurance and Financial Advisor, CLU., I would give clients a thick binder with plastic insert pages which would hold their policies and important documents. It made the transition process streamline for the family. All vital documents in one place.
There are a great number of government forms to be completed upon death. The funeral home director or consultant does help with Canadian Pension death benefit, and some other government forms. A lawyer will help to advise on the execution of the Will. The executor does the work to find the assets, liabilities, properties, get assessments of valuables, and so on.
A good life insurance agent will assist you in completing policy claims forms and following up with the carrier. Remember to look for other death benefits, pension death benefits, some credit cards have life insurance portions on them. If death was a result of a car accident, car insurance claims forms need to be completed.
The final income taxes must be filed. The estate may be subject to probate which is another tax. It can take a year or more before an estate is probated and able to be dispersed.
The stress of deadlines to submit claims, forms and taxes, penalties for late submission, and bank tellers who are uncooperative simply add more grief to a person who just wants to remember their Dad, Mom, or beloved. In all of this lots of emotion may surface; some may surprise you.
There are many and varied rituals around death. These come from our beliefs, our culture, and the accepted practice in your community. A funeral mass, prayer service, visitation at the funeral home, a wake, a Celebration of Life are for the family and friends as much as for the deceased. Some Indigenous tribes in Canada offer tobacco or other plant medicines to ease the transfer to the spirit world. In the Hindu culture the spirit is reborn on earth. Filipino and Chinese and Jamaican customs hold the 9th day ceremony when the spirit goes to into the spirit world. In Mexico death is so integrated with life, many festivals revolve around the ancestors who have gone before into the afterlife. There are so many traditions and rituals I cannot name them all here. The line that connects us is that the Spirit is acknowledged, honoured and celebrated. Today many people are choosing their own method of acknowledging a life and grieving a loss of life.
My friend, Robin’s Celebration of Life was the most loving, joyful, kind, peaceful and inspiring event I have attended, ever. Robin touched so many lives with his loving kindness, and spirit of joy, and humour. Robin was a healer who lived to inspire us to be our best, most humble selves. Friends and relations at his Celebration, sang songs written for him and his young daughter, they played guitars, read poems, shared stories, and yes, we danced, as Robin loved to dance. We even had a laughing Budda yoga moment. Yes, there were a few tears, tears are healing too. We hugged one another and felt the love that was very present in that room. I believed we all left feeling connected to each other and inspired to do more good works with our time here on earth. Thank you to Robin’s family for giving us this opportunity. It, like Robin, made an impact on our lives.
In the weeks and months that follow the death of a loved one, it is important to be aware of your own well being. Forgive the mistakes, yours and theirs. Don’t harbour bitterness, it hurts you on a cellular level. It takes time to do this kind of healing. Grief wears many faces. Be conscious of what you are feeling. Acknowledge it. This past week an immense fatigue has come upon my husband and I. Rose too is exhausted as she has been balancing her Mom’s illness, and her own responsibilities. We have been dealing with hospitals, caring for the other family members, managing all the necessary pieces required to keep the physical, emotional and financial wheels on the cart for everyone. This juggling has been going on for a long time. We are tired. We are not sure what the future will hold but I do believe through it all God holds us.
Vati, we love you and will miss you. Mom, Rose knows you are with God, she is grateful for all you taught her. Sue, you know how your Daddy shaped so many lives with his life’s mission, yours included. Robin we will remember you in the dance.
Love heals all. God is love and anyone who lives in love lives in God, and God lives in him. 1 John 16