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Transformation: Acceptance and Self-compassion

I did something the other day I don’t usually do. I found myself scrolling through social media. One reel hooked me into another, and then another and another and on and on it went.

I know the concept of reels is to hook the viewer into more and more. I got hooked. Then next thing I knew an hour and half went by at the speed of my finger. Can you relate? Has this EVER happened to you?

After I had finished chastising myself on the waste of time, I realized something significant.

I realized a lot of the reels I watched were about transformation. I have to admit I have been doing research on the concept of transformation and engaging in some transformative practices.

Algorithms caught on and filled my feed with reels about transformation. Now, not all reels were about transformation. Some were just plain funny and I laughed ‘til I cried. I love a sense of humour. I can still see the outrageous stuff people do and I chuckle to myself. Hmmmm.

Right. Let’s get back to what I was talking about.

So, was scrolling a waste of time? I’m going out on a limb and saying “NO”.

The fact that I realized what I had been watching was of some value made me a bit giddy. I had held the belief that all social media scrolling was to fill in time waiting for appointments or an avenue to killing off brain cells. I was wrong.

Choke! Choke! Gag!

Yes, I was wrong and I am not afraid to admit it. It isn’t easy but I do admit it.

In that hour and a half, I learned some new things and I cemented in the things I already knew and discovered. And now I get to share what I learned with you.

If you aren’t interested in transforming any area of your life, duck out now. I suspect you’ll be bored.

If you are interested in transforming an area of your life read on. My prayer is that you will be blessed and get excited to begin the process of transforming your life to what YOU want it to be.

To start I think we need to ask the question, “Is transformation really possible?”. I give the answer to this question two thumbs up. YES! It is possible to transform your life.

Think about it. Most movies we watch are about transformations. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The Hulk. Kevin Spacey’s character in The Usual Suspects. Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. The Gremlins. Star Wars and don’t forget about every Marvel movie. I believe I made my point.

So yes, transformation is possible. Transformation is not an easy road. Transformation is definitely worth the time, effort and money you invest in the process. So, where do you begin?

Transformation usually starts with a crisis. You hit rock bottom and find yourself in despair and or depression. You can’t do this anymore. How did you get here? How did you get into this? What just happened? How could he?

I am sure you can relate to at least one of these questions during a crisis in your life. I’m also sure you can add a thousand questions to this list.

I remember thinking during one of my many crises that maybe it was me. “If I could just find a way to change me everything would be okay.” So, I tried to change me, a transformation. I tried to become what I thought he wanted. That didn’t work! It actually made matters worse. I was miserable because I was living against my values, what I believed and who I was. My misery made the whole situation worse. Yes, transformation is not always positive.

I also remember a time when my second marriage was in dire trouble. I tried everything I knew at the time to “fix it”. This went on for a few years. Then one morning I woke up and decided it was not about him anymore. It was not about us anymore. It was about me.

I started my journey to wholeness, strength, confidence, and self-worth.

I engaged in psychotherapy to find my way out of the internal chatter that threatened to bury me. I read books. I found online groups for support. I went to retreats, seminars and workshops. I took part in online challenges. I sought out the thoughts and ideas of leaders in the field of transformation. I studied biographies of people who believed in themselves, went against “the norm” and found themselves, their strengths, and their passions.

Ladies, it has been quite the journey. It has cost me a lot of time, money, tears, anger and joy, mostly joy. This journey continues and I do not want to stop. I have found beauty among the ashes. I have found inner joy. I am happy – most of the time. I am an overcomer. I have even had do-overs!

So, where do you start on your journey of transformation – if you decide to start the challenge?

You have heard the quote by Lao Tzu, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” This is exactly where to start. You start with the first step.

The first step is your decision to invest in yourself. If there is to be a change in your life, that change starts with you.

I believe you made that decision when you started reading this article or looking online for topics on personal change and transformation. We all long to be like the butterfly who emerges from the cocoon as a beautiful creature.

What do you do when you’ve made that decision? Good question! And bravo for asking it. When you ask a good question, you get a good answer. Your next step is acceptance.

Acceptance begins with acknowledging and confirming your emotions, even the painful ones.

When a woman experiences trauma she can allow herself to feel the depth of her sadness, anger, or fear without judgment. Instead of pushing these emotions away or denying their existence, she can acknowledge them as valid responses to her experiences.

Allow me to tell you a story.

Maya was no stranger to life’s challenges; she has weathered her fair share of storms and emerged stronger each time. Despite her resilience, there was still a heaviness in her heart—a lingering ache from wounds that ran deep.

One day Maya found herself sitting by the riverbank, lost in thought. Memories of past sufferings flooded her mind, threatening to consume her in a sea of sorrow. Tears welled up in her eyes as she struggled to make sense of it all.

In that moment of vulnerability, Maya realized that she had been fighting against herself, resisting the pain that clamored for acknowledgment. With an audible moan, she let go of her defenses and allowed herself to feel—to truly feel—the weight of her emotions. She embraced her sadness, her anger, her fear, like old friends returning home after a long journey.

Maya felt a gentle stirring within her—a flicker of self-compassion igniting in the depths of her soul. She spoke softly to herself, offering words of kindness and understanding, like soothing balm to a wounded heart.

“I forgive you,” she whispered, her voice trembling with emotion. “I forgive you for carrying this burden for so long. You deserve peace, and I will walk beside you every step of the way.”

With each passing day, Maya practiced self-compassion in small but profound ways. She learned to let go of the heavy cloak of self-blame that had weighed her down for years.  Instead, she embraced the lightness of forgiveness and grace. She set boundaries to protect her tender heart. She surrounded herself with love and support.

As the seasons turned and the world bloomed around her, Maya found herself transformed. She was not transformed by the absence of pain, but by the acceptance of it. She had become a beacon of hope for others, living proof to the power of acceptance and self-compassion on the journey of healing.

And so, dear reader, remember Maya’s story as you navigate your own path of transformation. Embrace your pain, your imperfections, with open arms, for it is in acceptance that true healing begins.

This is the beginning of your journey in transformation. Acceptance takes time. Take this opportunity to accept. Give yourself the gift of time to accept yourself as you are, scars and all. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t run from them. Your emotions are part of you, a beautiful part of you.

Show yourself compassion. This means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Present yourself with words of comfort and reassurance during difficult moments. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can given your circumstances.

Acceptance also means letting go of self-blame and recognizing that traumatic events are not your fault. A woman who has experienced abuse can release feelings of guilt or shame and understand that she did not deserve what happened to her. Instead of blaming herself for past actions or decisions, she can focus on nurturing herself and begin moving forward.

Self-compassion and acceptance involve embracing your imperfections and recognizing that nobody is perfect. A woman can forgive herself for past mistakes or perceived shortcomings, understanding that they do not define her worth. Instead of striving for unattainable standards of perfection, celebrate your uniqueness and inherent value.

Acceptance includes setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being and honor your needs. You can assertively communicate your boundaries with others, expressing what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. Prioritize self-care and respect your limits. In this way you show self-compassion and cultivate a sense of empowerment.

When you practice acceptance and self-compassion you develop a deeper sense of self-awareness, resilience, and inner peace. These habits serve as the foundation for healing and growth, allowing you to embrace your true self with love and compassion.

There is more to discover on this journey of transformation. Next week we will uncover mindset shifts that can change your perspective and significantly affect your personal healing journey.

May you always be guided by the gentle whispers of self-compassion, leading you home to the depths of your own beautiful soul.

Blog Posts Handling Life
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Stress Management

Oh My Gosh. Yes, we are going to talk about stress management. And not just because the holidays are upon us. Stress management is something we want to be doing all the time. Stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine are necessary to our fight and flight response. When the stress hormones are in overdrive, they can wreak havoc in the body. Symptoms of elevated stress hormones can include any of the following:

  • Fatigue,
  • Irritability,
  • Headaches,
  • Intestinal problems, such as constipation, bloating or diarrhea,
  • Anxiety or depression,
  • Weight gain,
  • Increased blood pressure,
  • Low libido, problems with regular ovulation or menstrual periods, inability to orgasm,
  • Difficulty recovering from exercise,
  • Poor sleep,
  • Muscle pain or tension in the head, neck, jaw, or back,
  • Lack of focus and inability to make decisions.

None of this sounds like something I want to engage in. However, I have and still dance with a few from time to time. Even though stress is part of the human condition you do not have to keep it living under your roof indefinitely. Think of stress as that family member or friend who does not know when to leave. Eventually you have to do something.

We can manage our stress. There are high stress situations in life such as job loss, death in the family, divorce, trauma, giving birth, renovations, or illness. Situations such as these introduce feelings of depression or anxiety. These are normal – for a while.  The trick is to recognize when you are stressed and choose to do something about it.

When we are in crisis situations managing stress is not what is on your mind. Survival is. It would tick me off, supremely, when well meaning people would tell me I needed to manage my stress when I was trying to survive a trauma. Stress management will come once the crisis has passed. And yes, the crisis will pass. That is a topic for another post.

We have all gone through crisis situations. We all know the feelings of panic, heart palpitations, sweaty palms, extreme anxiety, and looking for a way out. These are the fight, fright or freeze responses to impending danger, whether perceived or real. After the threat has passed the stress hormones should calm down. But what if you are surviving a situation that is in constant crisis, such as physical abuse or mental torment. You are constantly on alert. These symptoms become your normal. We stop recognizing the symptoms because we are so accustomed. These symptoms are also wreaking havoc on your body and mind.  There is no way you can “manage” stress in situations like this. All you do is survive moment by moment. There is, however, a way you can release some of the stress.

When you are alone, the simplest coping mechanism is breathing; measured, deep breathing. If you can count and take a slow deep breath you can do this.

  • Take one deep cleansing breath, in and out.
  • Now, breathe in slowly to a count of six.
  • Pause to the count of three.
  • Exhale slowly to the count of six.
  • Pause to the count of three.
  • Repeat

Repeat until you have stopped shaking or you feel the tension release from your shoulders. I used to do this when the kids and I sequestered ourselves in one of their bedrooms when he was on a rampage. Together we would breathe. Then we would wait until he passed out. Often times the children would fall asleep in my arms. At the time I did not know this was a stress management tool. I was just getting a grip. The breathing would calm the children down quite quickly. It took me a lot longer to calm down, but calmness came over me every time. Breathing does not take the threat away. Breathing calms you down so you can think. It is our prayer that you have the courage to exit a situation like this. There are organizations to help you. Judy and I have used these organizations. Be prepared and find these places in advance of when you need them. I found it difficult to think during a crisis and learned to be prepared in advance. Having the information ready also helps to reduce your stress in the moment. You have a plan.

For those of us who have lived way too long with stress as a back seat driver we have some tips to help you get a firm grip on your stress. Choose one of these management techniques to get started. You do not have to do everything. If you hate exercise do not use it as a stress management tool. It will just stress you out more. Do something that rings true for you.

Exercise

So yes, I’ll get the “exercise” tool out of the way. Any exercise is good. I like walking and find that walking allows me to turn down the stress. Find a form of exercise that you like such as running, swimming, dancing, biking, or aerobics. You do not have to spend lots of money on exercise equipment or any at all. There are so many exercise routines that you can access on YouTube. Running requires a pair of running shoes. Dancing can be done in your living room or when you are cleaning. Turn up the tunes! Music itself calms the beast and shifts our mood.

Exercise helps lift your mood. This is because it stimulates your body to release a number of hormones like endorphins and endocannabinoids. When you exercise you tend to feel less anxious and more positive about yourself. When your body feels good, your mind often follows.

Did you know that exercise can reduce pain? It appears counter intuitive doesn’t it. It works. Movement gets fluid and those feel-good hormones moving around your body. Pain is blocked. That is why physiotherapy works. Physiotherapy gets body parts moving and pain is released. In every book I have read about specific areas of pain the prescription is movement before drugs.

Physical activity improves sleep. Better sleep means better stress management. Sleep renews the brain and body. Take care not to exercise too close to bedtime. Exercise too close to bedtime can disturb sleep for some people.

If you don’t have the time or energy for a formal exercise program, you can still find ways to move during the course of the day.

  • Bike or walk to the store instead of driving.
  • Use the stairs instead of the elevator.
  • Park as far as you can from the door.
  • Hand-wash your car.
  • Clean your house.
  • Walk on your lunch break.
  • Do cat stretches while on the couch. Have you ever watched a cat stretch. Mimic those movements. If you have never watched a cat stretch, check out this video. Modify the stretches to suit you.

Food – Your Nourishment.

UGH! Really? Yes – really. Your nourishment is vital to managing stress. We have all experienced stress eating. Sweets, cookies, cakes, chips, anything that temporarily satisfies the emotional state. Have you noticed that you usually beat yourself up after indulging in emotional eating? And you feel like crap. I was in a support group, and we talked a lot about emotional eating. Not one woman in the group felt good after a binge. We are bound to have binges. That is okay – on occasion. Be kind to yourself and vow to try harder and be prepared with a different strategy next time.

One of the benefits of eating healthy foods is your mental health. A healthy diet builds up your immune system, levels your mood, and lowers your blood pressure. Eat your vegetables. Vegetables should be half your plate. Protein, grains and complex carbohydrates fill the rest.

Antioxidants protect your cells from the damages of chronic stress.  You can find antioxidants in a huge variety of foods like beans, fruits, berries, vegetables, and spices such as ginger and tumeric.

Sticking to a healthy lifestyle is easier with a few simple tips.

  • Make and stick to a shopping list.
  • Do not shop hungry.
  • Carry healthy snacks and water with you when you leave the house.
  • Stay away from processed foods as much as possible.
  • Be mindful when eating.

There are supplements available that can decrease the effects of stress on the body and mind. Be sure to get enough vitamin C, magnesium, and Omega 3 fatty acids as part of a balanced diet. Omega 3 is found in wild fishes such as salmon, sardine, mackerel and herring.  Vitamin C can be found in cherries, grapefruit, oranges, moringa powder (put it in a smoothie). Magnesium is found in your leafy greens and cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, brussel sprouts, cauliflower).  

Let feed be your medicine and medicine be your food. Hippocrates

Sleep

Do you struggle to fall asleep? This is a common side effect of stress. Insomnia is the inability to fall and stay asleep at least 3 times a week for at least 3 months. Lack of sleep can also add to your stress level and cause a cycle of stress and sleeplessness. It is a vicious cycle. So how do you get to sleep? Sleep habits. Sleep habits involve your daily routine and the way you set up your bedroom.  Sleep habits include:

  • getting outside even if the sun is not shining. I have a friend that says there is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.
  • Exercise of some kind.
  • Drink less alcohol.
  • Drink caffeinated beverages before 2 pm.
  • Set a sleep schedule. You know – just like you had for children. Try having the same bedtime every night. Set your alarm for the same time every morning. That includes weekends. Try this for one month.
  • No electronics or television for 30 minutes before bed. If you like to read use an old-fashioned book. This is only for one month. It is not a life sentence.
  • Try meditation or other forms of relaxation at bedtime.

How do you set up your bedroom as part of good sleep habits? Your room should be dark. Black out curtains are a good idea. Keep your bedroom cool and as quiet as possible. When it is time for bed keep your phone outside of the bedroom. You can keep it in your ensuite bathroom. Just keep it out of your bedroom. The farther away the better. And turn it off. There are exceptions to keeping your phone turned on. Those are exceptions. Not the rule. Your bed should be supportive, have plenty of space and be comfortable. Pillows should support your neck. The material you sleep on is important. Natural fiber sheets are better for the body.

Connect with people. 

Spend time with a friend or family member who will listen to you. If you think you have exhausted people who will listen to you and can afford a therapist go to a therapist. Talking out your anxieties is a natural way to soothe you and reduce your stress. Better results can be obtained when you walk and talk. Connecting with people in person releases a hormone that breaks your fight-or-flight-or-freeze reaction. You enter a state of relaxation. Hugs help too.

Behavior. 

The manner in which you respond to people directly affects your stress levels. You can manage your response to people by:

  • Not overcommitting yourself (I still struggle with this one, but I am getting better.)
  • Share responsibility. You are not responsible for everyone nor everything.
  • Adopt the phrase, “I will think about that.”
  • Walk away from a heated situation or step back.

The voice inside your head. 

Nothing affects your stress levels like the voice inside your head. Realize that you can control your inner voice. You can swap negative thoughts for positive ones. The benefits of positive self-talk are:

  • stress reduction,
  • a longer life,
  • lower levels of depression,
  • greater resistance to the common cold,
  • reduced cardiovascular disease and
  • better coping skills.

Laughter

Laughing is good for the soul. You take in more oxygen when you laugh. Your body releases the feel-good hormones. Your heart and lungs get a boost. Your muscles even get a wee workout. Laughter improves your immune system, lessens pain, and improves your mood for long periods time. Get together with those girlfriends and get laughing. Even a good comedy movie can lift your mood.

There are so many ways to manage your stress. This is only a few suggestions to get you moving in the right direction. A few others are Epsom salt baths, drink water, and be creative.

Feel free to share your favourite stress management techniques. We and our community would love to hear them.