Many women who have experienced trauma find it tough to focus on themselves. Trauma can often lead to a heightened sense of hyper-vigilance, where you are constantly accustomed to scanning for potential threats. This makes it difficult to turn your attention inward and prioritize self-care.
In the aftermath of trauma, you also struggle with feelings of guilt or shame, which further impede your ability to focus on yourself. The journey to healing often involves breaking down these barriers and nurturing a sense of self-worth and self-compassion.
Given how much of your energy was consumed serving the needs of others and protecting yourself and your loved ones, do you find the act of self-focus is a selfish effort?
Allow me to put this into perspective. Self-focus is not selfish. Self-focus is a crucial aspect of healing. Acknowledging and meeting your own needs is essential for recovery. Self-focus is not only a right but a responsibility, especially in the context of trauma recovery.
I had a difficult time allowing myself to focus on anything other than my children after I was able to exit the difficult life in my first marriage. I shifted focus from walking on eggshells with my alcoholic husband to overprotecting my children and making sure they were functioning and had everything they needed. There was no time or room to focus on me. I was too exhausted emotionally, and physically. There came a day of reckoning. I was alone for the first time since leaving the marriage. I had no idea what to do with the time I had. My mind went crazy. I had crazy thoughts. I felt like a caged animal. I had thoughts that I could not make it on my own. I had thoughts that I should go back. I became scared and restless.
So, I did what any crazy woman would do and I sat down. I breathed deeply and considered the thoughts going through my head. Why would I go back into a situation where my life was threatened? What was there that was so important that I did not feel I could make it on my own? As my mother would say, “I had a good talk with myself.” I realized that if I was going to be a good mom, I needed to provide for my children. I could not do that if I went back to the situation where we were not safe. I could not do that if I didn’t discover who I was. I needed a job with a steady income. I made a plan that day. Within a week I had a job. Shortly after that I started seeing a counsellor. I began a journey of self-discovery.
Through the years I still struggle at times with self-focus. Self-focus appears to be more selfish than self-discovery to me. I continue to learn and allow myself to focus on myself. When I take time for myself, I do the things I want to do. If that is nothing, then I do nothing. Nothing also serves a purpose. It allows for rest. I have not always made good choices but I have learned a lot of lessons. There have been setbacks. There have been times when I abandoned my journey. There have been times when I became obsessed with my journey. I have realized over the years that I have nothing to give anyone if I don’t know who I am and what I like and do not like. This knowing is a result of self-focus. The journey continues to this day.
It is absolutely necessary that you consider making self-focus a priority in your life. If there is one thing that can assist you in coming to the place where your trauma does not rule your life, self-focus is the key. This is a really strong statement. But I believe it with all of my heart.
If making this decision seems too scary or you find yourself wanting to run for the door please stop. Stop and consider one way you can put the focus back on you. Was there a time in your life where you were confident and happy? Think about how you felt then. Would you like to feel that way again? There is a way to get to a good place in your life, a place where you like yourself again, even love yourself again.
Let us dig into a few ways you can begin your journey into self-focus. I am going to give you options in the following list. You do not have to take on all of the opportunities. Choose one. Only one. Try it out for 14 days. If you find yourself not following through with a 14-day discovery, it is possible the one you chose does not resonate with you. Choose another one.
Keep choosing until you find something you can stick with for 14 days. Sticking to something means you are not making excuses for not doing it. Do not justify or lie to yourself for not doing it. Be honest. I cannot stress the importance of consistency enough, as you focus on yourself. Commit to 14 days. You are worth it.
None of these options takes a long time to execute. Some are 10 minutes or less. Some are more of an awareness.
Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques
a. Practice deep breathing exercises to promote relaxation and grounding. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbDoBzGY3vo This is a 5-minute mindful breathing exercise.
b. Mindfulness meditation helps you stay present in the moment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssss7V1_eyA This a 5-minute mindful meditation practice.
Self-Compassion Practices
a. Write yourself a kind and understanding letter. Acknowledge your struggles, then write down what you have learned about yourself through the struggle. How strong are you? Have you been able to ask for help? Extend understanding and love yourself in this letter.
b. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you would a close friend. You are deserving of this kindness and understanding.
Setting and Communicating Boundaries
a. Recognize that setting boundaries in relationships is healthy. Consider the book, Boundaries Where You End and I Begin: How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries
b. Think about and decided what boundaries you need so you can indulge in self-focus.
c. Practice giving clear communication when expressing your needs and boundaries.
d. Practice saying NO. No is a full sentence. You do not have to justify your NO to anyone – at any time – for any reason.
Journal for Self-Reflection Write about positive experiences, personal strengths, and moments of self-discovery.
Engage in Creative Outlets Creative expressions like art, writing, or music are a means of self-discovery and emotional release. While engaging in these activities you are able to transcend your hurts and worries and immerse yourself in beauty.
Establish a Self-Care Routine
a. Consider warm baths or showers to relax your body.
b. Use aromatherapy or scented candles to create a calming atmosphere.
c. Consider a digital detox. Schedule a period of time with no technology to reduce information overload.
d. Limit your social media. Consider checking social media only at specific times of day.
e. Exercise – even if it is just a walk at lunch time.
f. Get outside. Raise your face to the sun. No sun? Raise your face to the sky. Breathe.
g. Spend some time in nature.
Gratitude Incorporate gratitude exercises into your life to shift your focus from the negative to the positive aspects of your life. My favorite exercise is a gratitude journal. A couple of minutes in the morning or before bed and my mind begins to focus on the positive things in life. Regularly acknowledging and expressing gratitude can contribute to a more positive mindset.
One of the exercises my coach told me about and I found very helpful, was identifying negative thoughts. Pay attention to your thoughts, especially the thoughts that are self-critical, defeatist, or overly negative. Keep a thought journal to record and analyze your thoughts associated with specific situations.
View your thoughts as separate from yourself. Instead of saying “I am a failure,” say “I am having the thought that I am a failure.” This helps create a mental distance from the negative thought.
Evaluate the evidence supporting and contradicting your negative thoughts. Ask questions like “What evidence do I have for this thought?” and “Is there any evidence against it?”
Generate alternative, more balanced interpretations of situations. Consider different perspectives and ask, “Is there another way to interpret this situation?”
Objectively evaluate your thoughts based on facts or assumptions. Ask questions like “Is there any concrete evidence supporting this thought?”
Challenge catastrophic and exaggerated beliefs about the severity of potential outcomes. Take a realistic evaluation of the likelihood and consequences of feared events.
Set small, achievable goals to build a sense of accomplishment and challenge negative self-perceptions. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small, to reinforce the positive events in your life. Every little thing you do can have a momentous effect on your future.
Self-focus is not selfish. Self-focus is a crucial aspect of healing. Acknowledging and meeting your own needs is essential for recovery. You can explore the idea of taking care of yourself. Not only is self-focus a right, it is also a responsibility, especially in the context of trauma recovery.