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Where Do Values Come From?

Values are passed down through generations. Geography plays a role in our values. Parents play a role in our values. Extended families play a role in our values. Friends, teachers, coaches, television, radio, music all play a role in the formation of our values. Religion or other systems of belief plays a role in the formation of our values.

Our family values come from our social circles and the cultures we grew up in. I grew up in a Catholic neighbourhood, went to a catholic school and was married in a catholic church. I adopted values from my catholic upbringing such as:

Thankfulness

Compassion

Peace

Wisdom

Hope

Humility

Generosity

Courage

Love

Respect

I have adopted values by being born a Canadian, such as:

Fairness

Diversity

Equality

Inclusion

Health

Safety

Democracy

Sustainability

I have adopted values from life experiences, such as:

Freedom

Purpose

Responsibility

Integrity

Clarity

Self respect

Empathy

Playfulness

Wonder

Strength

Consider in what country you were born. Consider your family, parents, siblings, and grandparents. Consider where you went to church or why you did not go to church. What values did you pick up?

If you are from America, you may value individualism, materialism, and achievement.

If you are from Latin America, you may value family, respect, and honour.

If you are Asian, you may value education, respect of authority and hierarchy and unity.

As an African you may value hospitality, morality, and time.

A Christian may value compassion, humility, and love.

A Taoist may value kindness, simplicity, and modesty.

A follower of Judaism may value respect, fairness, and community.

If you grew up in a family that valued time together, you may have adopted that value. If your family of origin valued travel, then you too may have adopted that value and plan regular excursions. If your family didn’t value travel, then you may have adopted the value of travel because you are “not going to live like they did”.

What experiences have you had in life? Did a close friend die young? An event like this can instill a value of living in the moment with a heightened sense of gratefulness. Have you been cheated on?  A life event like this can instill a value of fidelity or loyalty. Did you get fired from a job unjustly? Your value of loyalty or trust would take a hit.  I am sure you get my point.

Who are you? What have you experienced?

The answer to these questions forms your

personality,

your guiding moral foundations,

your attributes,

and your mental toolkit.

These inform your values, what you care about or not, whether you think about it or not.

Your values inform your decisions and actions.

Our values are on display constantly as we interact with others, choose the programs we watch, choose career paths and pass judgement on ourselves and others. How could interactions with others influence your values? Imagine for a moment you are in the grocery store. You are choosing oranges from the bin when you hear a man interacting with his wife. He is loud and commenting on the fact that she is spending too much money, those are too expensive, can we leave yet and on and on it goes. You glance over at them. You catch her eye and offer that look between women that says “I’m sorry” without having to say a word. You sneer at him. He misses it. In your mind you say, “I’m glad my husband doesn’t act like that in public.” You have displayed two of your values, compassion, and propriety.

Your values come into play each time you pick up the remote to watch a television program. Are you going to watch that movie with mild pornography or tune into a Disney movie? Did you choose a career path in finance? You could choose to help people with their money, or you can choose to make money for yourself. And on and on it goes, a lot of it unconsciously.

Our values influence E V E R Y T H I N G in our lives and they come from our families, our cultures, and our life experiences.

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WHAT ARE VALUES?

I would like to ask, how many of us have spent time defining our values? We go about our lives with a set of rules for our behaviour and the behaviour of others. We all have an innate knowing of right and wrong, but do we ever question what we believe or why we think this way?

Values are the individual beliefs that motivate us to act in specific ways. Values are a guide for our behavior. There are two types of values: personal values and cultural values. Personal values are our own beliefs about right and wrong. Cultural values are those that we accept by the societies we grow up in. These values vary by both place and context and are just as powerful as personal values. Religious and company values are examples of cultural values. Types of personal values include individual values and group values – such as groups of friends or family.

Some values have fundamental worth, such as love, truth, and freedom. “Other values, such as ambition, responsibility, and courage, describe traits or behaviors that are instrumental as means to an end.” (“Values – Ethics Unwrapped”) Intrinsic values are those which are rewarding, such as creativity, social justice, and connection with nature. Extrinsic values are centered on external approval or rewards, such as wealth, social status, self image, and personal security. “Other values are considered sacred and are moral imperatives for those who believe in them.” (“Values – Ethics Unwrapped”) Consider your religious values, spiritual values, or patriotic values. Sacred values will seldom be compromised.

Values are universally recognized as a driving force in all decision-making. Ethical decision-making involves weighing values against each other and choosing which values to elevate. Conflicts result when people have different values, leading to a clash of preferences and priorities. For example, my ex-husband would help friends on occasion. I used to get upset when he would lend a helping hand fully expecting to get something in return. I could not believe he did nothing for others out of the kindness of his heart. I figured out that I valued serving others with no expectation of anything in return.

Values and beliefs drive everything we think, feel, drive, wear, our reactions, what we say and what we do. Two people can look at the same event and see thing completely different. The difference is beliefs and values. What you believe about a situation and what you value makes you see things differently. If you value something and want more of it, you have linked it to pleasure. If you value something and think it is something to avoid, you have linked it to pain.

“Each person is unique, and we value things differently. This can be source of conflict or comfort. We are comfortable around people who have similar values and are usually in conflict with those whose values are different. We move toward what give us pleasure and away from what gives us pain.”       (Source: Tony Robbins Unleash the Power Within Chapter 59)

Values affect our personal relationships. We bring a set of rules into every connection we make. Rules bring expectations. We have pet peeves and ideas of how things “should” be. Sometimes these rules are valid, other times they are trivial. We tend to impose our personal values on others without telling them about our expectations or needs. Disappointment and frustration are always the result. Have you ever thought or said something like, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that?” That is a value that we expect others to follow. Have you ever been upset because someone did not do something they said they would do? You were upset because your value of integrity was compromised.

Here are a few EXAMPLES OF VALUES

Learning: If you are constantly finding ways to feed your mind with new information and enjoy talking to others so you can discover more about them, learning is likely one of your important personal values.

Individuality: Do you “march to the beat of your own drummer” and reject the status quo? If you define yourself strictly by your own standards and consistently disregard what others believe is the “right way” to live your life, you value individuality.

Independence: The concept of freedom, including physical, emotional, or financial freedom, is important to you. You live a life where the only limit is yourself and you pull from your strength and perseverance to make things happen.

Generosity: If one of your personal values is generosity, you embody the belief that the secret to living is giving and you likely spend time volunteering, donating, or finding other ways to give back.

Knowing the answer to the question, “What are your values?” and being able to define our own personal set of rules is essential to building healthy, long-term relationships. When our values do not complement those around us, conflict often develops. And when our rules become unreasonable and make our relationships more difficult, then we need to evaluate and consider re-shaping our beliefs and values, so they create more harmony. Please note, that it is not always up to you to reshape your beliefs and values. Relationships are a two-road highway, not a one-way street. It is never wrong to evaluate and consider our values. It is wrong to change your values and beliefs based on the opinions of others without taking time for consideration and evaluation.

Check in next week for our next installment on values, “Where Do Values Come From?”

Do you have a comment, something to ad or an insight? We would love to hear what you have to say.

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We are all wounded women at some level. Sometimes the wounds can be seen. Sometimes the wounds of the heart can only be felt but influence us in our thoughts and the way we act daily. True healing comes with a change in the way we think, act and live. Your thoughts become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your life. 

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