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Can You Be Thankful After Abuse Without Lying to Yourself?

Can You Be Thankful After Abuse Without Lying to Yourself?

Be grateful. Look for the lesson. Find the blessing in what you’ve been through.

We hear messages like these all the time. On the surface, they sound hopeful. They suggest there is something good waiting to be found, even in the hardest experiences of our lives.

But after abuse, those words are harsh. Because what exactly are you supposed to be grateful for? The lies? The betrayal? The control? The cruel words? The fear? The things that happened to you that should never have happened?

You may even hear someone tell you to find the blessing in what you went through. There is fire in your eyes and your response is immediate, “I’m not thankful for what happened. Not even a little.”

And then another question can creep in. “Is there something wrong with me because I feel this way?”

No. Gosh NO! There is nothing wrong with you.

You do not have to be thankful for what happened to you. And I think it is time we stopped expecting women to be.

When Gratitude Took Me Backward Instead of Forward

When I first started a gratitude practice, I believed it would help me move forward. I had a personal life coach who asked me to write down ten things every day that I was grateful for. It sounded simple enough. Except I couldn’t do it.

I would sit there trying to think of something I was grateful for, and instead my mind would return to everything I had been through. The lies. The betrayals. The control. The harsh words. The look in their eyes just before their fist hit its mark. The silent treatment.

The anger was still there. The resentment was still there. Instead of helping me appreciate my life, the exercise seemed to pull my attention straight back into the past.

I couldn’t come up with ten things. In all honesty, at first I couldn’t come up with one.

And I remember wondering, “What am I doing wrong?” I felt defeated. Here was another thing that was supposed to help me, and apparently I couldn’t even do gratitude properly.

Except gratitude wasn’t the problem. And neither was I. I was trying to make myself feel something that wasn’t true.

You Don’t Have to Find the Silver Lining in Harm

There can be tremendous pressure to make meaning out of painful experiences. Maybe everything happens for a reason. The experience probably made you stronger and there is a possibility that someday you’ll be grateful it happened. But what if you aren’t?

My experience has shown me that you don’t have to reshape what happened to make it easier to carry. You don’t have to find something good in someone else’s harmful behaviour. You certainly don’t have to justify their actions. And you don’t have to become thankful for abuse in order to prove that you have moved forward.

What happened, happened. You are allowed to tell the truth about it.

But here is where something changed for me. I realized that not being grateful for what happened didn’t mean it had no place in my life. I had simply been looking for it in the wrong place.

What If Thankfulness Isn’t About the Past at All?

One morning, instead of trying to be grateful, I decided to be thankful. That tiny change made an enormous difference. Suddenly, I could think of four things.

Air.

Food.

Water.

A place to sleep.

Nothing profound. Nothing inspirational. I wasn’t trying to convince myself that my life was wonderful. I wasn’t searching for a lesson hidden inside everything I had endured. I wasn’t asking myself to feel differently about the past. I was simply noticing what was supporting me right now. And I could truthfully say. “Thank you.”That was something I could do.

Gratitude and Thankfulness Are Not the Same Thing

We tend to use the words gratitude and thankfulness interchangeably, but my experience of them has been very different. Gratitude is often presented as a practice. Something we deliberately do to focus our attention on what is good in our lives.

Thankfulness, as I experience it, begins with noticing. I notice something that is here, something that is helping me, comforting me or simply making this moment a little easier, and the natural response is, “Thank you.”

That distinction changed everything for me. With gratitude, I was searching for something I thought I was supposed to feel. With thankfulness, I was noticing something that was already true.

Gratitude as a practice says,  write the list, keep the journal, find the good. It says train yourself to focus on the positive. And for some people, that can be very helpful.

But after abuse, being told to “be grateful” can become another expectation you feel you aren’t meeting. You may try to make the list and find your thoughts travelling straight back to what happened. Then instead of feeling better, you begin wondering why you can’t do what everyone says is supposed to help.

Thankfulness gave me another way. I didn’t have to manufacture it. I could notice something real in my life and allow the thank you to come naturally afterward. That’s an important distinction. Thankfulness wasn’t something I had to force myself to feel. It was something I began to notice.

A Different Question to Ask Yourself

So instead of asking, “What should I be grateful for?” try asking, “What is here, right now, that is not hurting me?” Don’t look for ten things. Don’t even look for five. Find one.

Maybe it is the cup of tea sitting beside you.

Maybe it is the dog sleeping at your feet.

Maybe it is the sun coming through the window.

Maybe it is a friend who answered the phone.

Maybe it is having your own key to your own front door.

Maybe it is the quiet.

Maybe it is simply having enough food for today.

Notice it. And if a thank you comes, let it come. “Thank you for this.” That’s enough. If a “thank you” doesn’t come, don’t force it. As you begin noticing what is here at this moment a quiet “thank you” will eventually come.

You Are Not Rewriting the Past

This is what I came to understand about thankfulness. It didn’t require me to change the truth about my past. It changed where I was placing my attention in the present. For a moment, I wasn’t looking backward. I was noticing my life as it existed right then.

And slowly, I began discovering that there were parts of my life that had nothing to do with what I had been through. There were moments when I could breathe more easily. There were things I enjoyed. There were people I trusted. There were choices that belonged to me.

There were ordinary little pieces of life that supported me every single day. The past hadn’t changed, but the past was no longer the only thing I could see. That is a very different kind of thankfulness.

There Is No Deadline for Feeling Thankful

Your mind may still go back to what happened. Mine did. You may notice something lovely and immediately remember something painful. That doesn’t erase the lovely thing. And it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

You don’t have to force yourself past anger, sadness or resentment to reach some imaginary finish line where you are finally grateful for everything. Thankfulness can exist alongside the truth. You can say, “What happened to me was wrong.” and, “Thank you for this warm bed.” You can say, “I wish I had never experienced that and, “Thank you for the friend who stayed.” You can say, “I am not grateful for what happened.” and still discover things in the life you are creating that are worthy of a thank you. Both can be true.

Start With One Thing

So today, don’t make yourself a gratitude list because someone told you that you should. Instead, look around. Ask yourself. “What is here, right now, that is not hurting me?” Find one thing. Notice it. Let it be enough. Tomorrow, perhaps you’ll notice another.

And over time, you may discover something rather beautiful. Thankfulness doesn’t ask you to lie about where you’ve been. It helps you notice that what happened to you is not the whole of the life you are living now. And there may be far more here to say thank you for than you realized.

Want to explore this with me a little further? I talk about this more personally in the Wisdom Wednesday episode Can You Be Thankful After Abuse Without Lying to Yourself?

You may also find this article helpful, I’m Sorry, I’m Not Sorry.

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Your Transformation – Mind Moves

Mind moves, mind shift, perspective change or reality re-evaluation. Whatever you call it the principle is to “change your mind”. I change my mind every day. I change my mind about what I’m going to wear. I change my mind about what to have for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I change my mind because I’m a woman – and that’s my prerogative. This kind of mind change is not what I want to talk about today.

I want to talk about what goes on in your mind when you want to make a change in your life. I want to talk about how you move your mind from negative thinking to positive thinking. This kind of mind move is the second phase in transformation.

Think of like this. The old digital alarm clocks had a SET button. You choose the time you want to wake up, scroll through the time until you get it just right and press the SET button. This keeps the time in memory. When that time rolls around, the alarm goes off. In the same way, mind moves shift you from a negative way of thinking to a positive way of thinking. You push the SET button to keep it in memory.

A powerful mind move involves moving from a victim mentality to a mind SET of empowerment. Instead of feeling helpless and at the mercy of external circumstances, you recognize your natural strength and responsibility in shaping your own destiny.

For example, rather than dwelling on past traumas over things that happened to you, you get to reframe the event as an experience that shaped your resilience and ability to overcome adversity. You’re still standing. The fact that you are still standing is testament to your strength and resilience.

Transitioning from a fixed mind SET to a growth mind SET is another important mind move. Rather than believing your abilities and qualities are fixed traits, you get to see challenges as opportunities for growth and learning. This is a growth mind move. You move to embrace setbacks as temporary rather than insurmountable obstacles and approach life with a sense of curiosity. You are open to new experiences.

Many women who have experienced trauma struggle with self-doubt and low self-esteem. A mind move in this area involves cultivating self-confidence and self-belief.

When I learned that it was necessary for me to make this mind move, I panicked. I didn’t think it was possible. I believed that this was the way I was and it could not change. If you think this way or this statement fills you with anxiety, please, take a deep breath, exhale slowly and believe that you can cultivate self-confidence.

Cultivating self-confidence involves challenging negative self-talk and replacing it with affirmations of self-worth and capability. For example, instead of telling myself, “I’m not good enough,” I affirm, “I am worthy of love and respect, and I have the strength to overcome any challenge.” It can seem so simple, yet the result of replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmation is SO PROFOUND.

Positive affirmations provide a counterbalance to negative thoughts. Affirming statements challenge and replace destructive beliefs with more empowering beliefs. Repeating positive affirmations gradually rewires your brain to adopt positive and supportive thought patterns, leading to improved self-esteem and self-worth.

Positive affirmations cultivate self-compassion by offering words of kindness, understanding, and acceptance. By affirming your own worthiness, strength, and resilience, you learn to treat yourself with greater kindness and compassion, nurturing a deeper sense of self-love and acceptance.

Positive affirmations inject hope and optimism into your life reminding you that healing is possible and that better days lie ahead. Declarations such as “I trust in the healing process,” “I believe in my ability to heal,” and “I am deserving of a bright future” instill a sense of hope and possibility. This motivates you to persevere on your journey of recovery.

Fear often holds us back from pursuing our dreams and living life to the fullest. A mind move from fear to courage involves acknowledging the presence of your fear but not letting it dictate your actions.

It means stepping out of our comfort zone and taking a bold leap of faith, even in the face of uncertainty. For example, instead of allowing fear of failure to paralyze you, you get to embrace the unknown and take a calculated risk to pursue your goals and dreams.

Take risks. Try new experiences that stretch your abilities and expand your horizons. It may be scary at first, but the effort will be so worth it.

Finally, a transformative mind move involves shifting from an attitude of scarcity to one of abundance. Instead of viewing life through a lens of lack and limitation, you get to see abundance and possibility all around you.

Abundance is not only financial. If you open your heart and your eyes you will see the abundance in your life. I like to go for a walk in the woods regularly. I see the power of the trees and the wind. I see the beauty of the forest floor. I breathe in the clean air. This to me is abundance. Abundance, for me, is looking into the eyes of my children and grandchildren, being thankful they have been given to me and I feel rich. I can look in my fridge and see that I have enough, even if it’s only enough for today.

This may involve practicing gratitude for what you already have and adopting an abundance mind SET that attracts more positivity and abundance into your life. For example, rather than focusing on what you lack, focus on what you have to be grateful for and trust that your needs will be provided.

I find that writing down the things I am grateful for today is an impactful practice. I am reminded of all things, people, places, and experiences I have had. I see how these have impacted my life and I live with a grateful heart. I can also be grateful for my future and picture what that looks like.

I know a woman named Lena. Lena had always felt like she was merely surviving, navigating her days with a heavy heart and a sense of resignation. Deep within her soul, she longed for something more—a life filled with purpose, joy, and fulfillment.

One day, as Lena sat in her tiny apartment, surrounded by the familiar trappings of her existence, she couldn’t shake the feeling that there had to be more to life than what she was experiencing. She yearned for a change, a transformation that would break the chains of her self-imposed limitations and set her spirit free.

With a flicker of determination, Lena embarked on a journey of self-discovery—a journey that would challenge her beliefs, push her boundaries, and ultimately lead her to profound transformation.

As Lena delved into the depths of her own psyche, she encountered the first hurdle on her path: the victim mindset. This mindset held her captive for a long time.

She realized that she had been allowing her past traumas to define her, casting herself as the helpless victim of circumstances beyond her control. But in that moment of awareness, Lena made a conscious choice to reclaim her power—to rise above her past and embrace her innate strength and resilience.

With each move forward, Lena encountered new challenges that tested her resolve. She faced moments of doubt and uncertainty, grappling with the fear of the unknown that threatened to hold her back. But instead of allowing fear to dictate her actions, Lena summoned the courage within her—the courage to step into the unknown, to trust in her own abilities, and to pursue her dreams with unwavering determination.

Along the way, Lena discovered the transformative power of a growth mindset—a belief in her own potential to learn, grow, and evolve. She realized that setbacks were not roadblocks, but rather opportunities for growth and self-discovery.

With each challenge she encountered, Lena embraced the opportunity to expand her horizons, to push past her comfort zone, and to emerge stronger and more resilient than before.

As Lena journeyed deeper into the heart of her own transformation, she began to see the world through new eyes—an abundance mindset opened her heart to the infinite possibilities that surrounded her. She realized that life was not a zero-sum game, but rather a tapestry of abundance and opportunity, waiting to be woven into the fabric of her own unique story.

In the end, Lena emerged from her journey of transformation not as a mere survivor, but as a beacon of hope and inspiration to all who knew her. She had exceeded her limitations, embraced her true essence, and stepped into a reality filled with joy, purpose, and fulfillment.

Now, you get to choose how your transformation develops.  This is ALL about you. No one can take it away. It is nobody else’s business. Your transformation is NOT selfish. Your transformation is the MOST loving act you can do for yourself. Without loving yourself it is impossible to love anyone else.

By making these mind moves, your get to transform your perspective on life. You get to unlock your full potential. You get to create a reality filled with joy, purpose, and fulfillment. This is your journey of self-discovery and empowerment. This journey begins with changing the way you think and perceive the world around you.

The next blog post in this series is the exploration of the huge impact healing methods can have on your transformation.

Remember that trauma does not define you. You choose how to live your life.  

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Transformation: Acceptance and Self-compassion

I did something the other day I don’t usually do. I found myself scrolling through social media. One reel hooked me into another, and then another and another and on and on it went.

I know the concept of reels is to hook the viewer into more and more. I got hooked. Then next thing I knew an hour and half went by at the speed of my finger. Can you relate? Has this EVER happened to you?

After I had finished chastising myself on the waste of time, I realized something significant.

I realized a lot of the reels I watched were about transformation. I have to admit I have been doing research on the concept of transformation and engaging in some transformative practices.

Algorithms caught on and filled my feed with reels about transformation. Now, not all reels were about transformation. Some were just plain funny and I laughed ‘til I cried. I love a sense of humour. I can still see the outrageous stuff people do and I chuckle to myself. Hmmmm.

Right. Let’s get back to what I was talking about.

So, was scrolling a waste of time? I’m going out on a limb and saying “NO”.

The fact that I realized what I had been watching was of some value made me a bit giddy. I had held the belief that all social media scrolling was to fill in time waiting for appointments or an avenue to killing off brain cells. I was wrong.

Choke! Choke! Gag!

Yes, I was wrong and I am not afraid to admit it. It isn’t easy but I do admit it.

In that hour and a half, I learned some new things and I cemented in the things I already knew and discovered. And now I get to share what I learned with you.

If you aren’t interested in transforming any area of your life, duck out now. I suspect you’ll be bored.

If you are interested in transforming an area of your life read on. My prayer is that you will be blessed and get excited to begin the process of transforming your life to what YOU want it to be.

To start I think we need to ask the question, “Is transformation really possible?”. I give the answer to this question two thumbs up. YES! It is possible to transform your life.

Think about it. Most movies we watch are about transformations. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The Hulk. Kevin Spacey’s character in The Usual Suspects. Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. The Gremlins. Star Wars and don’t forget about every Marvel movie. I believe I made my point.

So yes, transformation is possible. Transformation is not an easy road. Transformation is definitely worth the time, effort and money you invest in the process. So, where do you begin?

Transformation usually starts with a crisis. You hit rock bottom and find yourself in despair and or depression. You can’t do this anymore. How did you get here? How did you get into this? What just happened? How could he?

I am sure you can relate to at least one of these questions during a crisis in your life. I’m also sure you can add a thousand questions to this list.

I remember thinking during one of my many crises that maybe it was me. “If I could just find a way to change me everything would be okay.” So, I tried to change me, a transformation. I tried to become what I thought he wanted. That didn’t work! It actually made matters worse. I was miserable because I was living against my values, what I believed and who I was. My misery made the whole situation worse. Yes, transformation is not always positive.

I also remember a time when my second marriage was in dire trouble. I tried everything I knew at the time to “fix it”. This went on for a few years. Then one morning I woke up and decided it was not about him anymore. It was not about us anymore. It was about me.

I started my journey to wholeness, strength, confidence, and self-worth.

I engaged in psychotherapy to find my way out of the internal chatter that threatened to bury me. I read books. I found online groups for support. I went to retreats, seminars and workshops. I took part in online challenges. I sought out the thoughts and ideas of leaders in the field of transformation. I studied biographies of people who believed in themselves, went against “the norm” and found themselves, their strengths, and their passions.

Ladies, it has been quite the journey. It has cost me a lot of time, money, tears, anger and joy, mostly joy. This journey continues and I do not want to stop. I have found beauty among the ashes. I have found inner joy. I am happy – most of the time. I am an overcomer. I have even had do-overs!

So, where do you start on your journey of transformation – if you decide to start the challenge?

You have heard the quote by Lao Tzu, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” This is exactly where to start. You start with the first step.

The first step is your decision to invest in yourself. If there is to be a change in your life, that change starts with you.

I believe you made that decision when you started reading this article or looking online for topics on personal change and transformation. We all long to be like the butterfly who emerges from the cocoon as a beautiful creature.

What do you do when you’ve made that decision? Good question! And bravo for asking it. When you ask a good question, you get a good answer. Your next step is acceptance.

Acceptance begins with acknowledging and confirming your emotions, even the painful ones.

When a woman experiences trauma she can allow herself to feel the depth of her sadness, anger, or fear without judgment. Instead of pushing these emotions away or denying their existence, she can acknowledge them as valid responses to her experiences.

Allow me to tell you a story.

Maya was no stranger to life’s challenges; she has weathered her fair share of storms and emerged stronger each time. Despite her resilience, there was still a heaviness in her heart—a lingering ache from wounds that ran deep.

One day Maya found herself sitting by the riverbank, lost in thought. Memories of past sufferings flooded her mind, threatening to consume her in a sea of sorrow. Tears welled up in her eyes as she struggled to make sense of it all.

In that moment of vulnerability, Maya realized that she had been fighting against herself, resisting the pain that clamored for acknowledgment. With an audible moan, she let go of her defenses and allowed herself to feel—to truly feel—the weight of her emotions. She embraced her sadness, her anger, her fear, like old friends returning home after a long journey.

Maya felt a gentle stirring within her—a flicker of self-compassion igniting in the depths of her soul. She spoke softly to herself, offering words of kindness and understanding, like soothing balm to a wounded heart.

“I forgive you,” she whispered, her voice trembling with emotion. “I forgive you for carrying this burden for so long. You deserve peace, and I will walk beside you every step of the way.”

With each passing day, Maya practiced self-compassion in small but profound ways. She learned to let go of the heavy cloak of self-blame that had weighed her down for years.  Instead, she embraced the lightness of forgiveness and grace. She set boundaries to protect her tender heart. She surrounded herself with love and support.

As the seasons turned and the world bloomed around her, Maya found herself transformed. She was not transformed by the absence of pain, but by the acceptance of it. She had become a beacon of hope for others, living proof to the power of acceptance and self-compassion on the journey of healing.

And so, dear reader, remember Maya’s story as you navigate your own path of transformation. Embrace your pain, your imperfections, with open arms, for it is in acceptance that true healing begins.

This is the beginning of your journey in transformation. Acceptance takes time. Take this opportunity to accept. Give yourself the gift of time to accept yourself as you are, scars and all. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t run from them. Your emotions are part of you, a beautiful part of you.

Show yourself compassion. This means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Present yourself with words of comfort and reassurance during difficult moments. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can given your circumstances.

Acceptance also means letting go of self-blame and recognizing that traumatic events are not your fault. A woman who has experienced abuse can release feelings of guilt or shame and understand that she did not deserve what happened to her. Instead of blaming herself for past actions or decisions, she can focus on nurturing herself and begin moving forward.

Self-compassion and acceptance involve embracing your imperfections and recognizing that nobody is perfect. A woman can forgive herself for past mistakes or perceived shortcomings, understanding that they do not define her worth. Instead of striving for unattainable standards of perfection, celebrate your uniqueness and inherent value.

Acceptance includes setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being and honor your needs. You can assertively communicate your boundaries with others, expressing what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. Prioritize self-care and respect your limits. In this way you show self-compassion and cultivate a sense of empowerment.

When you practice acceptance and self-compassion you develop a deeper sense of self-awareness, resilience, and inner peace. These habits serve as the foundation for healing and growth, allowing you to embrace your true self with love and compassion.

There is more to discover on this journey of transformation. Next week we will uncover mindset shifts that can change your perspective and significantly affect your personal healing journey.

May you always be guided by the gentle whispers of self-compassion, leading you home to the depths of your own beautiful soul.