abused woman

Do Not Apologize for Who You Are

When I started delving into the realm of healing from my traumatic past and self development, I noticed that I apologized a lot. I apologized for my feelings, my opinions, my looks, my clothes. I even apologized for other people. For reasons I cannot explain I took responsibility for their thoughts and actions. I was constantly playing catch up with others. I was trying to become what other people wanted me to be. I was driving myself crazy trying to “measure up.” Any time I thought I measured up the bar was moved. The only thing I exceled at was the losing battle. I did not embrace who I was. I denied me. I denied my own mind. I denied my own heart, my own soul. No wonder my life seemed to be such a mess. I gave my power away.

I figured out that apologizing was identical to agreeing that there was something inherently wrong with me. I have met women who do the same thing. I have met women who have suffered traumatic circumstances in life who do the same thing. We have been told that we aren’t good enough, we are dumb, stupid, and useless. And we apologize. We are so busy surviving that we cannot take the time to make sense of what is being said to us. Our energy is consumed trying to anticipate the next attack and walking on eggshells so another attack will not happen. The life a traumatized woman is lived in fear. And she apologises for that.

Once the traumatized woman is free of the circumstances the apologies do not stop. The apologies do not stop until she has space to breathe and seeks help. I got tired of apologizing. I was sick and tired of apologizing for what I did not do. I was tired of apologizing for who I am. I was tired of apologizing for another person’s behaviour. I sought help. When I sought help, I was told I was an abused woman. I did not identify as one until I saw the ugliness, I lived in.

What does an apology for who you are do to you? Apologizing for who you are kills your soul. That is a very blunt statement. It is truth. When you apologize for who you are you deny your divinity. You deny the truth of who God made you to be. You deny what you know is true about you. You let someone else define who you are. Who you are is not the decision of someone else. Who you are is up to you and only you.

The process of personally defining who you are is not an easy one. I can tell you with 100 percent certainty it is necessary and extremely rewarding. Defining yourself is an act of self love, the divine act of self love. Who better to lavish this love on than yourself? So, let us talk about how to stop apologizing. Some of this you will have read in past posts. I may sound like a broken record. However, I believe, that repetition is the mother of all skill.

KNOW YOUR TRUTH

We are often worried about what other people will think of us. We are fearful that we will not fit in. When we are focused on what other people think of us, we are caught up in someone else’s world. We lose focus on our world. I am not saying that we should only be concerned about our own world and be selfish. Quite the contrary. We live in relationship with others all the time. We need to be concerned with others, however, should we be so concerned with their world and ignore our own? Consider this. What are you not doing to make yourself feel good? Where is your time and energy going? Are you so focused on others you are tired and worn out or burnt out? Whose opinion are you taking into consideration? Why are you making someone else’s opinion greater than your opinion about yourself?

REMEMBER THAT NO ONE IS PERFECT

It is time to stop playing the comparison game. Each and every one of us is unique. So unique in fact that even identical multiple birth children do not have identical DNA. Perfect people are an illusion. Perfect people are only showing you the best of themselves. Remember we all struggle. We all have flaws. We all have dust under our beds and skeletons in the closet. Culture has taught us that it is possible to be perfect. Commercial creators are excellent at showing us what could be if we did the same as so and so or had the same stuff as our neighbour. Cut the noise on that. Embrace your uniqueness. Flaunt it! Celebrate it! Love it!!

YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE

There is always a choice. Stay true to your convictions and your values. Do not allow ANYONE to tell you what you should be or not be. Do not allow ANYONE to interfere with who you are. Do not waiver because of someone else’s opinion. Be strong. Be confident. Build your confidence. You are a blessed soul, carved by the hand of God.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE

Who wants to be around those who are negative? Who wants to be around those who constantly find fault? Who wants to be around someone who criticize everything? Who wants to be around people who think others are the cause of all their problems? Being in the presence of positive people affects us. Their positivity and cheerful personalities rub off on us. Being around them brings us joy and warms our hearts. Oh my gosh, give me some of that!

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

Practice self love. When you have made a mistake, own up to it. Apologize for that, not who you are. We all make mistakes. Give yourself a hug, say I love you and do your best to put it behind you. Being kind to yourself allows you to become emotionally flexible. You are equipped to navigate challenging emotions and challenging situations. You are capable of connecting with yourself and others.

PRACTICE POSITIVE SELF TALK

A while back we did a 30 day I AM Challenge on Facebook. The premise behind the challenge was positive self talk. When we use I AM statements we are rewiring our brains. It is like our brain sits up and takes notice of what comes after the statement I AM. The I AM statements soak down deep into our souls and become our reality.

STOP APOLOGIZING

Only apologize when you own your mistakes. You are a dear wonderful soul as unique as a snowflake. You are who God made you to be. No one, and I mean NO ONE has any right to tell you differently. Embrace your crazy, beautiful, amazing self.

Do you want to do something positive and get around positive people? Vanessa Vance, Judy Johnston and I have planned a Create Your Dream Board workshop. This is an in-person workshop on Tuesday January 24^th, 7:00 to 9:00 pm at the office of Exit Realty Genesis office, 2-1373 Victoria St. N., Kitchener, ON, Canada, Ontario. Come out and get creative with other positive people. Lift your spirits. Lift your life. You can send us an email or use this link to register.

There is a nominal fee of $10 per participant for this workshop.

As always, we love your comments. Share your thoughts with us. You help us grow.

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. Richard Bach

Oh my gosh. How can I say you tell lies to yourself? I can say that because it is 100% true. We all lie to ourselves because lies are often easier to live with than the truth. We will not accept lies from others. We will accept lies we tell ourselves all the time. When we live in a lie, we must tell another lie to uphold the original lie. And then another lie, and another lie and another lie. We lose sight of who we are. When we live our authentic true selves, we are happier, and healthier. We can love on others without losing sight of who we are. Love lives in the truth. Love dies in a lie.

We tell ourselves lies because we do not like something about ourselves and we try to cover it up with a lie such as, “it is not that bad.” Have you ever injured yourself and told someone you are fine when you know you are not fine? You have lied to the person who asked and to yourself. If you hurt, you need help. Telling someone you are fine is a sure-fire way to not get the help you need. Why would you do that?

We lie to ourselves because it is comfortable. We do not have to face the hard truth.

We lie to ourselves because it is convenient. We can keep doing the same thing without having to change anything.

We lie to ourselves because it makes us feel better. Lying preserves our self-esteem.

We lie to ourselves to avoid responsibility for our actions.

We tell ourselves lies to cover up the mental conflict that occurs when our beliefs do not line up with our actions. This is known as cognitive dissonance. “Leon Festinger’s cognitive dissonance theory suggests that we have an inner drive to hold all our attitudes and beliefs in harmony and avoid disharmony (or dissonance)”. To maintain harmony, we tell ourselves a lie. Until we live in the truth of who we are, and our actions line up with that we cannot be free to be who we are.

How do you know you are lying to yourself?

Lying to yourself can show up with physical symptoms such as stress, anxiety, digestive issues, and pain. The physical symptoms are messages, and you should pay attention. For example, you have a friend that calls you regularly to vent and complain. When you see her number on your phone you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know you do not want to talk to her. You know she drains your energy. You know she is not interested in what is happening in your life. You know you will be awake for hours after the call trying to figure out ways to help her. But you tell yourself she needs someone and that someone is you. The sick feeling in the pit of your stomach is telling you something different than the rationalization you have made in your mind. The rationalization is a lie. Your gut knows the truth. It is better for your mental health not to answer the call and let it go to voicemail. Imagine what you could do with the extra hour or two. You could rest, prepare lunch for tomorrow, finish your laundry or finish reading the book you would normally put down when you answer her call. The truth of the matter is your friend will move on to someone else when you stop being at her disposal. She is not interested in you. She wants someone to listen so she can vent. It really does not matter if that someone is you.

When you lie to yourself you are running away from something. It is difficult to admit, however, that sensation to flee is you running from the truth. What are you trying to escape from? A thought? A realization? A harsh truth? There is something just outside our reach, in the dark and you do not like it. You distract yourself and you do not know why. You must escape, but you do not know why.

Lies show up when you justify someone else’s behaviour. This is common in the abused woman. We tell ourselves we deserved to be hit. We tell ourselves that “he’s just blowing off steam.” We tell ourselves it will change. We tell ourselves we just need to do x y z and it will not happen again. Justifying their behaviour is easier than facing the truth and making the tough decisions.

Lies show up when you justify your own behaviour. You lie when you tell yourself “I am just feeling a little stressed” or “I have no other options.” These lies are very deceptive. It allows you to believe that you have good reason. You are making excuses and being consciously oblivious.

Have you ever experienced having a rigid attitude? Do others consider you to be narrow-minded? Do you play the blame game? Must you always be right? If you answered yes to any of these questions you are a victim of lying to yourself. Engaging in any of these behaviours hides a tremendous amount of fear. You live in an altered reality.

Have you ever felt inauthentic? Have you ever wondered if they found out who you really are they would not like you? Do you feel fake? The truth is you have lost touch with who you really are. You go places you do not want to go. You make friends with people you do not like. You buy things you cannot afford. You laugh when a joke is not funny. You are spending more time pleasing others than doing what brings you pleasure. This is inauthentic living and a lie.

You are believing a lie when you say any of the following to yourself.

Everything is going to be okay. (There are times everything is not going to be okay.)
Their success is my failure. (It is their success. You are still working on yours. Celebrate their success.)
I will be happy when… (when is a person place or thing. When they happen in your life the bliss does not last, and you are on to the next I will be happy when…)
If I am not busy, I am not working hard enough. (This is pure B.S. Busy distracts us from the things that really matter.)
I do not have enough time for that. (We always make time for what is important to us.)
I am a bad person if I say no. (Saying no does not make you bad or good. Saying no is respecting your boundaries and taking care of yourself.)
Everyone else has it all together. (You have no way of knowing what others are going through. We can all put on a good front and be dying inside.)
If I fix this one thing, life will be good. (This is like I will be happy when. When never comes and stays for the rest of your life.)
It does not matter. (If you are saying it does matter. You are trying to convince yourself otherwise.)
They will forget about it. (They may forget what you did. People never forget the way you make them feel.)
Love goes both ways. (This is a fairy tale, a story. Love is sacrificial. You are blessed if love is flowing in both directions. It is not a law.)
I am setting myself up for disappointment. (Henry Ford said, if you say you can or you say can’t, you are right. The way you talk to yourself can be the difference between success and failure.)
If I do that people will expect more of me. (People will only expect as much as you are willing to give or convince them of. You determine how much of yourself to give away.)
I am being selfish. (Selfishness is a tool for self care. Selfish is putting boundaries in place to protect your mental and physical health. Selfish is not bad. Everything can be extreme. When everything is always about me me me, yes, it is selfish. The best life is in relationship with others. Thinking only of yourself all the time is selfish and damaging to your relationships.)

Check in on our next blog post. We will be talking about replacing the lies with truth and living an authentic life. Until then, can you identify two lies you tell yourself on a regular basis? Can you discern what the truth is and stop telling yourself the lie?

I’m So Sorry

The Lies I Tell Myself